Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #4

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You're like, "No, I got it.

You catch some much deserved shut-eye."

And then that's when we make the shelf.

Right, girls? That's what you do.

You don't want it to just f***ing--

You don't want to--

So you block it and you walk it.

Mm-hmm.

It's the saddest shelf in the world.

And I've been to the Anne Frank House.

I'm a German Jew.

There used to be more of us.

So... what happened?

Oh, my God.

It's weird to have a boyfriend.

I've been on the road for so long.

I really like having a boyfriend.

I really love this guy.

I met him on a dating app.

Yeah. We met--

When I signed up, they were like,

"Congratulations.

You have a free lifetime membership."

And I was like,

"Well, that's discouraging."

Like, "What the f***?"

When I met him, he was the first--

He's the only guy I met on there.

I liked him right away.

I really liked him.

I was like,

"I'm gonna make this guy wait."

And I did. Like, all through dinner.

No, we didn't go to dinner. I--

I don't know. I don't have an adult

manning the ship.

There's no one like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Not till date seven." I'm just--

If I want cake,

I'm like, "We're having cake today."

If I'm wet, I'm like,

"Well, let's get a dick in there."

Just... [humming]

But I am a germophobe,

and that's why I told him,

before we did anything sexually,

"Look, just so you know,

I know for a fact

that I don't have any diseases left.

They all burned out."

I was like, "What about you?"

And he was like,

"I've never been tested."

And I was like, "Oh, mysterious.

Is David Blaine in the house?"

We went to Paris.

I'd never been to France

because I'm trash.

And...

we went, and we were excited.

We've been together

under a year, so...

we've been trying to keep it pretty sexy,

but we both got violent food poisoning.

Like, violent. So, yeah.

And we're not the couple that's like,

"I'm gonna go take a deuce, babe."

You know, like...

We're trying to keep it, like--

Under a year. We're still lying.

So--

So, our last night, after all week,

we're like, "Eiffel Tower--"

just the biggest d*ckheads--

we both get violent food poisoning,

and our hotel was one of the rooms

where we had one bathroom,

and it was the kind where, like,

the bed was right there,

then you're in the bathroom,

and if you went...

[soft grunt]

you would loudly hear it.

So, it hits him first.

And he's in there, just...

[retching]

And then,

the way it manifested itself in me...

is--

How do I say this and not be gross?

I was in the bathroom just, like...

[imitating machine gun]

Machine-gun shitting out of my ass.

Just...

[imitating machine gun]

Violent diarrhea.

He... It's over. I'm yelling at him.

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