Amy Schumer: The Leather Special

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1

[announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

and all you other motherfuckers,

get up off your ass

for the baddest bitch:

Amy Schumer!

-[music playing]

-[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

What the f*ck is up, Denver?!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much for coming out.

Oh, my God.

This is such a big deal for me.

I don't know if you guys know this,

but this past year,

I've gotten very rich, famous and humble.

[audience laughing]

Thank you. Thank you.

And maybe you caught this.

I don't know who saw this.

I tweeted out a photo of myself

wearing just underwear.

Nothing but underwear.

[cheering]

Thank you, just the women.

What the f*ck?

No!

It's too late, sir.

This could have been crumpled

on your floor in the morning, but no.

I like the idea of this being crumpled

on someone's floor.

Having to put this back on

in the morning. Just, like...

[grunting]

And you're like, "Call me." And then--

Imagine doing a walk of shame

in this shit.

You're like, "Hi. Taxi."

They're like, "Hmm.

That's an actual trash bag.

It looks like a Glad bag."

I feel like every comedian

needs a leather special.

Right? Every comic has some special

where they wear all leather,

and they regret it later.

It's my fucking moment! Leather Special!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Already regret it. Already regret it.

Very overheated. Very overheated.

So, I tweet out this photo of myself.

I'm holding coffee. I'm topless

in just underwear, and it goes viral.

It was everywhere, every news show,

every website,

and that's when I learned the word

you don't want people to use

when a nude photo of you goes viral.

"Brave."

Um...

Can you imagine? You take your clothes off

in front of someone for the first time,

and they're just like, "Damn!

You look mad brave right now.

Whoo-ee!

Shorty looks empowered!" Like, no!

As if I'm standing there,

like, "I am brave!"

No, just f*ck me.

I am blacking out tonight.

I am blacking out tonight. Anybody?

[cheers and applause]

Who loves you?

[speaks in childish gibberish]

If you're a real winner, then you'll--

Has anyone ever blacked out

and been awake

when they've come out of it?

-[woman] Yes!

-Thank you! Thank you, sister!

It's cool

'cause it's like you're a time traveler.

You're just, like, back in your body,

like...

"What are people wearing now?"

And you just kind of keep moving.

I, one time, in college-- thank you--

I came out of a blackout,

and there was a stranger

going down on me.

So, I was like, "Okay."

I decided to tap him gently.

So as not to startle him, you know?

"Sir!"

So--

'Cause I'm laying there, and I'm like,

"What do I know about this guy

at this point, right?

I know that he has brown hair.

And I know that he is a hero."

He's brave, okay?

He's brave,

and I'm gonna tell you why he's brave,

and this does not leave this theater.

And this does not leave your home.

Here's why he's brave.

On my pussy's best day...

It's not every day.

It's almost no day.

But, you know, you wake up,

you're having a good puss day.

And maybe you know

you're gonna have a visitor,

so in the shower,

you get very real in there, you know.

You pull things back you don't usually.

You kind of Minority Report

your own pussy.

[grunting]

You get in. It's like Stranger Things.

You just kind of get in.

"Gotta find Barb, guys. She's in there."

If you have access

to a detachable showerhead,

guess what?

I just want you guys to think that

that's how big my pussy is.

Just like... hmm.

It's really like... hmm?

After all of that...

on its already best day...

[groans]

my pussy smells...

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