American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #4

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Why don't you take an Alka-Seltzer?

Alka-Seltzer is for babies.

I just need a nightcap.

(FARTING)

Excuse me.

Sounds like you could use an Alka-Seltzer.

Daddy. Here, let me get you your drink.

No, that's okay, honey.

You go back to your yoga.

No, Daddy, I really want to.

Sweetie, I'm a grown man.

I can make my own drink.

(RUSTLING)

What was that?

What was what?

I didn't hear anything.

There was a noise

coming from the laundry room.

I must be hearing things.

See, Daddy? I told you.

Now, come make your drink.

(FARTING)

What the...

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

You all right, baby?

I'm fine, Daddy.

Oh, that sick bastard took

a sh*t in our dryer.

I'm calling the police.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Ryan? Ryan?

Ryan, get up man. Ryan!

What the f***?

It's me. It's Erik.

Dude, why are you naked in my room?

And with a rubber on your dick.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Look, I'm in serious trouble, okay?

I need your help.

(SNIFFING)

What's that smell?

Did you step in dog sh*t?

Yeah.

Hey, man, thanks for the clothes.

I'll get them back to you.

No, thanks. Why don't you just burn them?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Wonder if I get a reward for turning you in.

NEWSREADER:
If the alleged

improprieties are confirmed,

it could be devastating for the White House.

Sources near the

administration would neither

confirm nor deny the allegations.

And in local news, a masked burglar broke

into an area residence,

defecated in the family dryer,

and then exposed himself to a teenage girl.

Police are continuing the search,

but the whereabouts and

identity of the perpetrator are unknown.

What is wrong with these people?

And now, Dakota Snow

with the weekend forecast.

I don't know.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Listen, about last night...

Yeah, you know,

I'd just really rather not talk about it.

I really think that we should.

Erik, you took a crap in my dryer.

Your dad scared the sh*t out of me.

- Wait.

- You know, let's just...

Let's forget about it, okay?

Okay, but what about the other thing?

The sex?

I'm taking last night as a sign from above.

But maybe...

I mean, if your dad didn't come down...

Erik, I love you. I'm just...

I'm not ready yet.

Really?

Really.

But I also realized just how ready you are.

I don't wanna break up over sex.

I don't think we have to.

I'm not ready. You are.

It's selfish for me to keep you tied down.

So, this is what I'm proposing.

A guilt-free pass for this weekend.

That means you can do

whatever you want up there

with no consequences.

You're sure about this?

I don't think love and sex

have to be tied to each other,

so I'm okay with this.

One weekend. Get it out of your system,

and come back to me.

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