American Pie 5: The Naked Mile



Oh, honey, you don't look so good.

You should stay home from brunch.

- Are you sure?

- Mmm.

I really want to go.

You stay and rest.

You can see Grandma when we get back.

Thank you, Videobarn dumpster.

Wanna f*** me, baby?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

You wanna f*** me?

Hey, Erik. Do you know if your dad

still has my clippers?

I have no idea, Mr. Williams.

All right. Go back to what you were doing.


You wanna f*** me, baby?



Yeah. F*** me, baby.

Yes, please.

Oh, do me, baby.


Yeah, just like that.

Oh, yeah! So good, so good, baby.

Oh, yeah!

I told you I was paying.

So what's the difference

if you forgot the coupon?

Honey, she doesn't like to waste money.

There's no way I'm letting you pay full price

when there's a two-for-one coupon

sitting on the counter.

I'll be right out.

I'm coming, too. Now I gotta pee.

I'll check on Erik.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, that's good.

- You like that? I like that, too.

- Oh, yeah!

Here we go.

Okay, Mom.

- Harder.

- Harder? Okay.

Oh, yeah! So good.

- Like this?

- Yeah, right there, babe.

- Like this? Like this?

- Yeah.

Baby, do me just like that.

Okay, attagirl.

- From behind?

- Oh, yeah, baby! Harder!

- Okay.

- All right.

- You wanna cum for me, baby?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah? Cum for me, baby.

- I'm so close. I will.

We're almost there.

You're gonna cum for me?

I'm about to. I'm about to.

That's it, baby.


Grandma. Grandma.


And that's the day

my grandmother died.

And it's pretty much the story of my life.

But let me back things up a little bit.

That's me. Not exactly the life of the party.

That's my buddy, Mike Coozeman.

Everybody calls him Cooze

'cause that's all he's ever interested in.

Cooze is a self-proclaimed ladies' man

and a legend in his own mind.

Sometimes his methods are...



Very smooth.

Oh, please. I consider that foreplay.

Where's Ryan?

I don't know.

Last time I saw him,

he was dancing with Stacey and Shelly.

That's my best friend, Ryan Grimm.

I don't know how he does it.

See, I told you there was enough

for both of you.

He moved here in second grade.

Believe it or not, back then,

I was the one showing him the ropes.

Now he's the quarterback

of the football team,

and the coolest guy in school.

Hey, I brought you a vodka and ginger ale

so it won't upset your stomach.

Oh, thanks.

That's my girlfriend, Tracy.

We met in Biology, junior year.

Now make the first

incision into your frogs.

Cut along the ventral side from the pelvic

to the pectoral girdle.


I don't know what she saw in me,

but when I finally got up the nerve

to ask her out, she said yes.

And for some reason,

she kept going out with me.

It's like she totally gets me.

And I try my best to get her.

Come on. Take the low one. It's easy.


Screw it.



Are you all right?

I don't know.

Is it possible to break your ass?

Okay, I promise I'll never make you

ride a horse again.

Looks like she's perfect, right?

There's just one problem.

Tracy's not ready to have sex yet,

so that makes me a virgin.

Now, being one of the only virgins in school

is bad enough,

but it's even worse for me.


I'm a Stifler.

My cousins are the legendary Stifler boys.

Steve, his brother, Matt,

and our other cousin, Dwight.

You see, with my last name

comes responsibility,

a reputation that I'm supposed to live up to.

Unfortunately, I've let down the family name

on more than one occasion.

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Adam Herz

Adam Herz is an American screenwriter and producer. He founded the production company Terra Firma Films in 2003 with a first-look deal at Universal Studios. Herz was born in New York City and raised in East Grand Rapids, Michigan. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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