American Dirtbags Page #4

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he was telling the truth.

Thinking he was going to call me

and that it would blossom

into like, a steamy romance.

Love at first sight.

And one day we would tell

our kids it's how we met.

- Hey, sweetie, I'm home.

- - Hi, honey.

- Oh, come

here, how was your day?

Oh, where's the rest of my

perfect biracial family?

Mason, Dixie, daddy's home!

- Da, da!

- Hey, you guys!

I gotta get a

picture of you guys,

oh my goodness.

Get in with mommy.

You guys look

amazing, you ready?

Say cheese.

- Cheese.

- Oh my god, your

dad's gonna love these.

If you know who that is.

Oh my god, this is amazing,

you're like a model

without the eating disorder.

Mmm, I'm gonna show

this to everyone.

Well, I gotta get out of

here, smells a lot like jizz.

Ma'am.

- Like, how

f***ing nave could I be?

And if the fact that I

walked all the way back

to my dorm room, like, totally

humiliated wasn't enough,

that dickless little prick

posted the picture online

and turned it into like a

f***ing game or whatever.

- Stupid b*tch.

- And that sh*t blew up.

- Holy sh*t, dude,

check this out.

- Holy f***, I've got

biology with her, man.

- Dude, I totally f***ed her.

- No way, man.

- Why you gotta lie about

stuff like that, man?

- Overnight, people

started making

their own versions, and

by the end of the week,

I was, like, ruined.

I mean, some of them, like,

really hurt my feelings.

Everyone started

thinking I was, like,

a total airhead, nympho

slut or something.

I don't think I talked to anyone

for the rest of the semester.

But that didn't stop

these a**holes, mmpmm.

They just kept right on being

the needle-prick little shits

that I thought that they were.

You f***ing kidding me?

And like at first, I thought

I was being singled out.

Like I was being punished

for, like, being a b*tch

back in high school

or something.

- She sent you a tit pic?

- Dude, I got twat

shots, too, bro.

- You guys ready to eat?

- Man, I been eating

p*ssy all day.

- Well I hope you saved

room for our tacos.

- Dude, we're gonna

need a few minutes, man.

- No problem.

- - I like that guy.

- I do too, he

looks like my dick.

So, are you f***in' her?

- Of course, I'm

f***in' her, man,

this chick's like my

personal skeet trap, bro.

- My man, boom.

- Yeah, last night I'm

f***in' her face, right,

so I pop my dick

out of her mouth,

and then I shove her head

down to my butt hole,

she's down there just

making out with my ass

for like, 15 minutes,

dude, she comes up,

she says, like, "when's

it gonna be my turn?"

I'm like, b*tch,

this is your turn,

oh, nailed it.

- It was awesome.

- - You told her.

- I did, I told her

what was up, flipped her over,

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