American Dirtbags

Synopsis: A fast-paced, dark dramedy following six lovable degenerates, their terrible choices, often hilarious and tragic consequences, and unexpectedly interwoven lives.
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Director(s): Bob Place
  1 win.
90 min

- My name is Larry banking.

But don't be fooled by

that pollack last name,

I'm about as American as

fake tits and cheap beer.

Now I ain't gonna lie to y'all,

I'm pretty fucked right now,

and I'm damn sure this

big son of a bitch

ain't fixin' to let me

catch my breath neither.

Hell, I can't say I blame him.

I probably shouldn't have

been fucking his wife,

especially after I found out

his nickname was Bigfoot.

I guess I'm gonna be dyin'

young, just like my daddy.

Except he was droppin' a deuce,

nine 8-balls in on a

two day coke binge,

he had himself a heart attack

on the god damn commode.

Now I never heard him

say it or nothin',

but I bet you that's

how he wanted to go.

Just like Elvis.

After daddy died,

we were so poor,

we didn't have two nickels to

rub together to start a fire.

Course, that ain't

how you start a fire.

- But I'd appreciate

it if you guys

wouldn't be assholes

today, all right?

- Mamma lost the

trailer, so we moved in

with uncle Ronny.

He wasn't no uncle.

That dude was the DJ

from the strip club

she started dancin' at.

- Ya'll gonna have to share

that couch 'til your mama

cleans out that room with

all the cat shit in it.

- Don't be shitheads to

your uncle Ronny, all right?

- Damn right, all right.

Watchin' you, boy.

- Come to think of it,

I think he was selling

ecstasy or something, too.

As soon as I could get

out, I was gone, boy.

Moved my country

ass to the big city.

They call Atlanta new

York of the south,

Phoenix city.

That damn burnin' bird is

on god damn everything.

During the civil war it was

a major military supply hub.

Had Sherman not burned that

son of a bitch to the ground,

we might be living in the

confederate states of America.

Just sayin'.

First job I got

was at a porn shop.

Now I'd seen porno, hell,

everybody gotta release

the demon sometime.

- You got anything where

the woman dominates the man

by making him wear a horse mask

and then kicking him in the

balls repeatedly until he pukes?

- I wasn't ready for that shit


Now, granted, I was sheltered.

I was born and raised

in Gainesville, Georgia,

the poultry capital

of the world.

But I'd seen spank

mags and stuff.

Hell, Ronny had a

serious porn stash,

one that might rival

the most compulsive

of the compulsive masturbators.

This was something else,

I couldn't do that shit.

Hell, no.


Hey, heard you guys are hiring?

- Ok

- I'm serious, I need to work.

- White boy, you

must be trippin'.

- No, I'll do anything

you guys need me to do.

- All right, start

pickin' up these leaves.

All right, guys, break time.

- He might make it past lunch,

but he won't be back tomorrow.

His nose gonna be so runny.

- Aw, man, he ain't

got no hat, man.

Dude got no coat!

- Nobody thought I'd last two

days out there on that roof.

I worked that job for

five fucking years.

We actually ended

up being friends.

In fact, my boy Richard's

sister introduced me

to this girl named Stephanie.


We hit it off, man, fast.

Maybe a little too fast.

She got pregnant,

we got married.

She had a miscarriage,

we got divorced.

Best move of my fucking life.

Never forget that when

you marry someone,

it ain't just them,

it's their entire

god damn family you're

gettin' hitched to.

And her family was fucking nuts.

Her daddy was a taxidermist,

he had a whole room

with all kinds of

weird shit in it,

possums, dressed-up raccoons,

I think he had a fucking

buffalo, you name it.

It's creepy as hell

and dead as f*ck,

her daddy got a stuffed one.

Something ain't right

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "American Dirtbags" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 5 Mar. 2021. <>.

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