Almost Adults Page #2

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Are you...

- A lesbian?

- No.

I'm not a lesbian.

But you know what?

Sometimes I wish I was.

Don't say that.

That's horrible.

So...

Is it Cassie?

Is it Cassie what?

- Is Cassie your lover?

- Eck. Eww.

Please don't ever say

"lover" again.

- Lover.

- Ugh. Ugh.

And, no, Cassie isn't gay.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Besides, I haven't told her yet.

Told her what?

That I'm gay.

Ah, don't worry about it, honey.

- I'm sure she knows.

- Mm-hmm. Honey, you're a...

What do they call it, John?

- A hundred footer.

- You are a hundred footer.

And you guys are just

completely okay with this?

To be honest, I was worried

you were going to tell us

- you were a vegan.

- Yeah.

I mean, I'm relieved

that you're gay.

- I mean, men are a**holes.

- Mm-hmm.

If I could be gay, I would be.

That's disgusting.

- Babe.

- And how did it go?

It was horrible.

It was worse than expected.

I don't even

want to talk about it.

Oh, doll, that's really shitty.

I'm so sorry.

Like, they didn't

even care at all.

They showed

no emotion whatsoever.

No, that's a lie.

They were like happy about it.

Isn't that sick?

Yeah, that sounds

really devastating.

I mean, it took me

months to finally...

To summon the courage

to come out to them

and then they just treat it

like it's no big deal.

Well, I'm sorry,

but it is a big deal.

Like, they weren't even

upset at all.

Isn't that f***ed?

Oh, my god.

Why are they not upset?

Do they not love me?

They definitely

don't care about you.

I mean, my parents told me

I was an abomination

and that I was gonna

burn in hell for all eternity.

Way to rub it in my face.

Oh, and they didn't even tell me

that they were proud of me.

Isn't that like the number

one thing you're supposed

to tell your gay kid

when you come out to them,

like, how proud you are of them?

I'm pretty sure it's in

the gay parent handbook.

They must've lost the handbook.

I can only come out to them

once in my whole life,

and they freaking ruined it

for me with their kindness

and blatant disregard

for my feelings.

Are you even listening to me?

- Oh, no.

Cassie's home.

I gotta go, b*tch.

Okay, babe. Sorry your

parents are amazing.

Sh*t.

Stop whatever

you're doing right now.

We are going

to pizza hut buffet.

I am going to commit carbicide.

I mean, before you say anything,

I know that pizza hut buffet

is not a thing anymore,

rest in peace pizza hut buffet,

but that doesn't mean

we can't just order

like a bazillion pizzas

and pretend it's still a thing.

- Right?

This is not what it looks like.

I know what

you must be thinking.

MacKenzie, are you

watching lesbian porn?

'Cause I told you that

"Bridget Jones' diaphragm"

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