Al Madrigal: Why Is the Rabbit Crying? Page #3

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and six years old.

#When they get the football,

they run in the wrong direction,

they tackle each other.

If there's a dog,

they chase the dog.

#They're idiots.

And he says-

this is a quote,

"You guys got to pay attention,

or you're gonna have

bad dreams."

Which is not in the John Wooden

coaching pyramid,

I think.

#Leaving all the parents on the sideline going,

"Did he just

f***ing say that?

#"Because I have a hard enough time

"getting that guy

to sleep as it is.

I don't need Coach Rascal

giving him cholo night terrors."

Then my wife gives me

one of these.

#You know this? You should know, yeah.

A hand squeeze with a squint

and a head nod, which means,

"Get in there, a**hole,

and say something.

Time for you to man up,

or I'm gonna say something."

And there's

a counter-move to that.

#I squeezed her hand even a little bit harder,

looked her in the eyes

and said,

"We're not saying sh*t.

"You let Coach Rascal

conduct his business,

"or we're gonna find out

why the rabbit's crying,

and I don't wanna find out

why the rabbit's crying."

I don't wanna find out.

- Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

- Not sure

if anyone's done this.

Over the age of 35,

I hurt my neck sleeping.

You ever do that?

#I was dreaming of falling down the steps.

Now, as a man, you have

very few massage options.

Option number one,

I could trade one with my wife.

Three minutes in, she's gonna

complain her hand is tired.

Then I'm gonna owe her one.

#It's a bad deal.

Number two,

the chair.

You ever go

to the mall?

The uniformed Chinese guys

want you to get in a chair, sit ass-out,

Potsie-style,

put your face in the doughnut

that's seen

a thousand other faces.

#I'm a germaphobe. I'm gonna put it in there.

It's disgusting.

#Not to mention, it's all open air.

I got some fat kid

eating a piece of Sbarro

right next to me.

It's not relaxing.

It's not gonna work.

Option number three,

fancy place.

#Spa, real spa.

I don't have

that kind of time.

#I don't need to spend four hours

in some cucumber water

utopian environment.

#I don't have the time.

I want Jiffy Lube

of neck fixing.

I don't want to go

to some relaxation room

where you got

some menopausal hippie lady

walking around with an open robe,

some car crash of a vagina

hanging out,

you know,

to give somebody a last look

before they retire it for good.

It's gross.

#I don't have the time or the stomach.

Brings me

to option number four.

#Strip mall massage.

You guys know what

I'm talking about. Huh?

You especially

know what I'm talking about.

You know the strip mall too.

#A bunch of shitty businesses

that got together

to become roommates.

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