Airplane II: The Sequel Page #6

TED (V.O.)

(to self)

Who could have figured it would come to

this. It'll be twenty years this week

that I lost my entire squadron over Macho

Grande. Planes, too.

SUPER:
DOG FIGHT FOOTAGE

VOICE:

You're too low, Striker! You're too low!

The Crucifix in b.g. looks around trying to figure out where

the planes in the SUPER are coming from.

TED (V.O.)

After the war, I couldn't go near anything

with a pair of wings.

SUPER:
TED IN PARK TRYING TO AVOID PIGEONS THAT FOLLOW HIM.

A pigeon lands on the Cross.

TED (V.O.)

That is, until fate dropped me on the seat

of my pants at the stick of a 167 into

Chicago with no crew.

SUPER:
TED LANDING PLANE IN "AIRPLANE!"

TED (V.O.)

It's funny how fate can make heroes out of

cowards.

The Crucifix gives a look of exasperated boredom.

SUPER:
NEW YORK TIMES HEADLINE, "STRIKER SAVES l20!" OVER A

PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.

TED (V.O.)

Then came the job offers.

SUPER:
HOUSTON TRIBUNE HEADLINE, "FLYING HEROES ACCEPT NASA

POSTS" OVER A PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.

TED (V.O.)

The publicity.

SUPER:
NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINE, "TED IMPOTENT? ELAINE

FRIGID?" A MINOR HEADLINE READS, "JFK ALIVE, SAYS

UROLOGIST!"

TED (V.O.)

Even the key to the City of New York.

SUPER:
MAYOR HANDING TED A KILO OF GRASS.

TED (V.O.)

Now look at me.

Ted wipes the sweat off his face and switches on the table

fan. A tornado force wind destroys the room as he fights to

switch off the fan.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY

SUPER:
"RIO MONTENEGRO - TOWN SQUARE"

A peasant boy takes a newspaper from a newsstand. The

headline reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE FLIES TOMORROW."

BOY:

Senor Ted!

The boy hightails it through the town-square and passes:

-- A large alabaster statue of the Generalissimo snorting

cocaine.

-- Soldiers dragging nuns off screaming.

-- Nuns dragging soldiers off screaming.

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