Achmed Saves America Page #3

Genre: Comedy
Year:
2014
261 Views


Ginny:
Here's a soft pillow.

Achmed:
How I hate them. Is it hypoallergenic?

Ginny:
Just like you asked.

Achmed:
Yes, thank you, evil, American, monster she-woman.

Ginny:
You French have such colorful words for everything. Oh, are you writing a book'?

Achmed:
Yes, it is a book of humorous observations about small-town life, like the kind by your famous

instigator of suicide, Garrison Keillor.

Ginny:
That's nice. Nighty-night now.

Achmed:
Nighty-night, nighty-nights. Hello, gorgeous.

Kevin:
Hey! I want to talk to you.

Achmed:
I don't have a bomb.

Kevin:
You're not fooling me, kid. I know why you're here.

Achmed:
Is that so? Well...

Kevin:
My parents brought you here just to make me look bad. I can't compare to how cool you are. You're from France and all. I hate you.

Achmed:
Aw, really? I hate you too.

Kevin:
My dad thinks I should be

playing football, but I don't want to do that. I'm good at other stuff, secret stuff, i've never even told my parents about.

Achmed:
You wish to lie with another boy of your gender?

Kevin:
No! I want to be... a ventriloquist.

Achmed:
A what?

Kevin:
You know, a ventriloquist. I have a dummy.

I make it talk. We tell jokes in front of big

audiences and get big laughs.

Achmed:
That is a job?

Kevin:
Yes!

Achmed:
That is the stupidest thing i've ever heard.

Seriously, who is going to pay to see anyone do that crap?

Kevin:
But I'm good at it. I've been practicing

with my new dummy. Da-d a-d a-d a!

Little Jeff.

Little Jeff:
Hiya, Claude.

Achmed:
That toy is possessed with a human spirit!

I pound your face with a shoe, which is the worst thing

you can do to someone in my country for some reason

that no one has ever explained to anyone.

Kevin:
Hey, what's wrong with you? I'm sorry i said anything to you. This is gonna be a long summer.

Achmed:
Or a short one. Aah! Whew. It's only you. I thought you were Jessica Chastain.

Cassidy:
Who's that?

Achmed:
She was the crazy b*tch in The Help. What are you doing here?

Cassidy:
I was, like, out with my boyfriend, now my ex-boyfriend. Ugh. I hate him. I wish he was dead.

Achmed:
Hmm. Does he live within a 20-mile radius

of tomorrow's parade?

Cassidy:
Please don't tell Mom and Dad.

Achmed:
The place where my lips once were is sealed.

Cassidy:
They never liked him anyway. They think I have, like, bad taste in guys?

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by Slate.com, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. Forbes.com ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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