
Achmed Saves America
- Year:
- 2014
- 91 Views
Jeff:
Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham.Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.Jeff:
I have a question for you, Achmed.Achmed:
I am all ears, without actual ears.Jeff:
All right. Who's your favorite cartoon character?Achmed:
Is this a trick question?Jeff:
No. Seriously, who is it?Achmed:
Tigger.Jeff:
Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh?Achmed:
Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad.Jeff:
And Piglet?Achmed:
Don't be an idiot.Jeff:
Sorry.Achmed:
Whatever. What is the point of this?Jeff:
What if you, Achmed, were animated?Achmed:
Me? A cartoon?Jeff:
Right.Achmed:
Like Tigger?Jeff:
Sure.Achmed:
That would be fantastic.Jeff:
Then wish for it.Achmed:
What?Jeff:
Make a wish.Achmed:
Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"?Jeff:
Perfect.Bubba J:
Hi, everybody.Achmed:
Aah!Bubba J:
I am Tinker Bubba.Achmed:
What the-Jeff:
Hi, Tinker Bubba.Bubba J:
Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish?Jeff:
Yep. That was Achmed.Achmed:
A wish? What wish?Bubba J:
You said you wished to be intoxicated.Jeff:
No, animated.Bubba J:
Oh, well, I can do that too.Achmed:
This is ridic-Bubba J; Ta-da!
Achmed:
Ah! Oh! What happened to me? Why do I look like this?Jeff:
Thank you, Tinker Bubba.Bubba J:
You're welcome.Achmed:
You infidel fairy.Bubba J:
Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. Whoo-hoo!Achmed:
You tricked me.Jeff:
You got your wish.Achmed:
And why am I like this?Jeff:
It's for your new animated special, Achmed Saves America. Enjoy the show.Achmed:
Come back, Tinker Bubba!(First Scene)
Achmed:
I will kill you. Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. I have coverage all the way out here and not a cell tower in sight. Yes, yes. What? What?Hassan:
Achmed. Why are you still alive?Achmed:
Nice talking to you too.Crowd:
Wheel of Toture!Hassan:
I should have heard a big boom by now.You have worked for us for three years, and you still haven't killed infidel one. I swear, you are the worst terrorist in the whole non-Muslim world.
Achmed:
I am not. As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that.Hassan:
Are you forgetting you blew upa training camp? The only thing left was the monkey bars.
Monkey:
Oh, please.We are so much better than them.
Achmed:
Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time.Hassan:
Achmed, focus!You're not losing your nerve, are you?
Achmed:
No! Are you kidding?I'd be crazy not to want
to kill myself.
Hassan:
Then tell me why you are doingthis mission.
Achmed:
Because you told me to.Hassan:
Wrong answer! Why?Achmed:
Because I hate the infidel.Hassan:
And why do you hate the infidel?Achmed:
Because you told me to.Hassan:
Right answer. So don't screw this up.Achmed:
Why do you treat me like a fool?The bomb is ready to go. Oops. Huh? Hey. I'm alive.
I failed! Son of a female dog. Well, it obviously can't get
any worse than this. Huh! What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. Release me at once. Clutch me again! I was kidding! I was kidding! Well, that used to hurt. Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me?
No! Mmm. Hmm. Hey. Death to America... ville.
Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. I have arrived
in the land of the infidels. It will only be a matter
of time until-
Wayne:
Oh, boy. I don't know what that was,but it made a doozy of a noise.
Kevin:
I hope we hit something cool. Then this day wouldn't be a total loss.Cassidy:
Whatever. Everyone's at the mallexcept me. And now my life is over.
Wayne:
Well, I know we hit something, but darn if I know what it was.Achmed:
Turn around, asshat.Wayne:
Is that what we hit?Kevin:
Whoa! Is he dead?Cassidy:
Can we go now?Ginny:
No, honey. We have to help him.
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"Achmed Saves America" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 13 Dec. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/achmed_saves_america_24146>.