Achmed Saves America

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Jeff:
Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.

Jeff:
I have a question for you, Achmed.

Achmed:
I am all ears, without actual ears.

Jeff:
All right. Who's your favorite cartoon character?

Achmed:
Is this a trick question?

Jeff:
No. Seriously, who is it?

Achmed:
Tigger.

Jeff:
Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh?

Achmed:
Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad.

Jeff:
And Piglet?

Achmed:
Don't be an idiot.

Jeff:
Sorry.

Achmed:
Whatever. What is the point of this?

Jeff:
What if you, Achmed, were animated?

Achmed:
Me? A cartoon?

Jeff:
Right.

Achmed:
Like Tigger?

Jeff:
Sure.

Achmed:
That would be fantastic.

Jeff:
Then wish for it.

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
Make a wish.

Achmed:
Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"?

Jeff:
Perfect.

Bubba J:
Hi, everybody.

Achmed:
Aah!

Bubba J:
I am Tinker Bubba.

Achmed:
What the-

Jeff:
Hi, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish?

Jeff:
Yep. That was Achmed.

Achmed:
A wish? What wish?

Bubba J:
You said you wished to be intoxicated.

Jeff:
No, animated.

Bubba J:
Oh, well, I can do that too.

Achmed:
This is ridic-

Bubba J; Ta-da!

Achmed:
Ah! Oh! What happened to me? Why do I look like this?

Jeff:
Thank you, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
You're welcome.

Achmed:
You infidel fairy.

Bubba J:
Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. Whoo-hoo!

Achmed:
You tricked me.

Jeff:
You got your wish.

Achmed:
And why am I like this?

Jeff:
It's for your new animated special, Achmed Saves America. Enjoy the show.

Achmed:
Come back, Tinker Bubba!

(First Scene)

Achmed:
I will kill you. Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. I have coverage all the way out here and not a cell tower in sight. Yes, yes. What? What?

Hassan:
Achmed. Why are you still alive?

Achmed:
Nice talking to you too.

Crowd:
Wheel of Toture!

Hassan:
I should have heard a big boom by now.

You have worked for us for three years, and you still haven't killed infidel one. I swear, you are the worst terrorist in the whole non-Muslim world.

Achmed:
I am not. As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that.

Hassan:
Are you forgetting you blew up

a training camp? The only thing left was the monkey bars.

Monkey:
Oh, please.

We are so much better than them.

Achmed:
Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time.

Hassan:
Achmed, focus!

You're not losing your nerve, are you?

Achmed:
No! Are you kidding?

I'd be crazy not to want

to kill myself.

Hassan:
Then tell me why you are doing

this mission.

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Wrong answer! Why?

Achmed:
Because I hate the infidel.

Hassan:
And why do you hate the infidel?

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Right answer. So don't screw this up.

Achmed:
Why do you treat me like a fool?

The bomb is ready to go. Oops. Huh? Hey. I'm alive.

I failed! Son of a female dog. Well, it obviously can't get

any worse than this. Huh! What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. Release me at once. Clutch me again! I was kidding! I was kidding! Well, that used to hurt. Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me?

No! Mmm. Hmm. Hey. Death to America... ville.

Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. I have arrived

in the land of the infidels. It will only be a matter

of time until-

Wayne:
Oh, boy. I don't know what that was,

but it made a doozy of a noise.

Kevin:
I hope we hit something cool. Then this day wouldn't be a total loss.

Cassidy:
Whatever. Everyone's at the mall

except me. And now my life is over.

Wayne:
Well, I know we hit something, but darn if I know what it was.

Achmed:
Turn around, asshat.

Wayne:
Is that what we hit?

Kevin:
Whoa! Is he dead?

Cassidy:
Can we go now?

Ginny:
No, honey. We have to help him.

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