Achmed Saves America

Synopsis:
Genre: Comedy
Year:
2014
91 Views

Jeff:
Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.

Jeff:
I have a question for you, Achmed.

Achmed:
I am all ears, without actual ears.

Jeff:
All right. Who's your favorite cartoon character?

Achmed:
Is this a trick question?

Jeff:
No. Seriously, who is it?

Achmed:
Tigger.

Jeff:
Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh?

Achmed:
Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad.

Jeff:
And Piglet?

Achmed:
Don't be an idiot.

Jeff:
Sorry.

Achmed:
Whatever. What is the point of this?

Jeff:
What if you, Achmed, were animated?

Achmed:
Me? A cartoon?

Jeff:
Right.

Achmed:
Like Tigger?

Jeff:
Sure.

Achmed:
That would be fantastic.

Jeff:
Then wish for it.

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
Make a wish.

Achmed:
Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"?

Jeff:
Perfect.

Bubba J:
Hi, everybody.

Achmed:
Aah!

Bubba J:
I am Tinker Bubba.

Achmed:
What the-

Jeff:
Hi, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish?

Jeff:
Yep. That was Achmed.

Achmed:
A wish? What wish?

Bubba J:
You said you wished to be intoxicated.

Jeff:
No, animated.

Bubba J:
Oh, well, I can do that too.

Achmed:
This is ridic-

Bubba J; Ta-da!

Achmed:
Ah! Oh! What happened to me? Why do I look like this?

Jeff:
Thank you, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
You're welcome.

Achmed:
You infidel fairy.

Bubba J:
Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. Whoo-hoo!

Achmed:
You tricked me.

Jeff:
You got your wish.

Achmed:
And why am I like this?

Jeff:
It's for your new animated special, Achmed Saves America. Enjoy the show.

Achmed:
Come back, Tinker Bubba!

(First Scene)

Achmed:
I will kill you. Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. I have coverage all the way out here and not a cell tower in sight. Yes, yes. What? What?

Hassan:
Achmed. Why are you still alive?

Achmed:
Nice talking to you too.

Crowd:
Wheel of Toture!

Hassan:
I should have heard a big boom by now.

You have worked for us for three years, and you still haven't killed infidel one. I swear, you are the worst terrorist in the whole non-Muslim world.

Achmed:
I am not. As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that.

Hassan:
Are you forgetting you blew up

a training camp? The only thing left was the monkey bars.

Monkey:
Oh, please.

We are so much better than them.

Achmed:
Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time.

Hassan:
Achmed, focus!

You're not losing your nerve, are you?

Achmed:
No! Are you kidding?

I'd be crazy not to want

to kill myself.

Hassan:
Then tell me why you are doing

this mission.

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Wrong answer! Why?

Achmed:
Because I hate the infidel.

Hassan:
And why do you hate the infidel?

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Right answer. So don't screw this up.

Achmed:
Why do you treat me like a fool?

The bomb is ready to go. Oops. Huh? Hey. I'm alive.

I failed! Son of a female dog. Well, it obviously can't get

any worse than this. Huh! What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. Release me at once. Clutch me again! I was kidding! I was kidding! Well, that used to hurt. Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me?

No! Mmm. Hmm. Hey. Death to America... ville.

Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. I have arrived

in the land of the infidels. It will only be a matter

of time until-

Wayne:
Oh, boy. I don't know what that was,

but it made a doozy of a noise.

Kevin:
I hope we hit something cool. Then this day wouldn't be a total loss.

Cassidy:
Whatever. Everyone's at the mall

except me. And now my life is over.

Wayne:
Well, I know we hit something, but darn if I know what it was.

Achmed:
Turn around, asshat.

Wayne:
Is that what we hit?

Kevin:
Whoa! Is he dead?

Cassidy:
Can we go now?

Ginny:
No, honey. We have to help him.

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by Slate.com, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. Forbes.com ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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Submitted by logan_s 2 on April 04, 2019

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"Achmed Saves America" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 13 Dec. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/achmed_saves_america_24146>.

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