Absolutely Anything Page #3

Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.

- That's the way life works.

- No, he's not gay.

He's...very likeable.

Mr Clarke.

Hi.

This is the twelfth time

you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.

Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.

Yesterday you had food poisoning.

Friday you thought it was Saturday.

Monday you forgot to put your clock forward.

Oh, everybody does that.

Week last Wednesday it seems you had

an appointment with the Dalai Lama.

Yeah, I showed you the picture.

That had Michael Jackson in it as well.

Well, he's a great man.

Great enough to appear in photographs

when he's dead.

You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,

you are idle and you are feckless.

Feckless?

Yes, you are without feck.

If I could replace you, I would.

Yeah, well, so would I.

I just don't have anybody to replace me with.

You a big skier?

Well, I've had my moments.

Hello, gorgeous.

How about cocktails for two this evening?

Go halves?

Drop dead, Ray.

All right. Think about it and get back to me.

Knob.

- Neil?

- Yeah.

If you could do anything, what would you do?

Hello, Neil, love.

Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?

I will have the roast headmaster,

please, Mrs B.

You are a one.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Uh, I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.

You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.

As long as you don't eat it.

No, I mean, if you could

make anything you want happen,

what would it be?

I would make Dennis regurgitate

my notes from chapter three.

If you could make

something impossible happen.

Intact.

What if you could make someone

worship the ground you walked on?

What, even if she thought

you were a little sh*t?

Come on, Ray.

That would be taking an unfair advantage

of an innocent girl.

OK, but suppose

there was one thing you could do

that would change your life for the better?

Oh, that's easy.

I would make alien spaceships destroy 10C.

That sounded like it was in the school.

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Stand back, stand back.

Stand back, stand back.

Now, just stay calm.

0h, my God!

Who was that?

It was the Salubrious Gat

of Galaxy G946 WOT.

Gat, what do you think you're doing?

Just practising, Sharon.

We haven't done the judicial review yet.

We may not want to destroy this species.

Who are you kidding?

445,349,722 new alien species encountered.

Number granted membership

of the Intergalactic Community

of Superior Beings?

Zero.

We have high standards.

You know you're going to wipe them out.

It all depends on the earthling.

And signs of a recovery

seem as far away as ever.

Hey-

Hello, Dennis.

Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?

We can now go live

to our reporter Brenda Emmanus

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