Absolutely Anything

Synopsis: Some aliens, who travel from planet to planet to see what kind of species inhabit them, come to Earth. And if humans are, according to their standards, decent, they are welcomed to be their friend. And if not the planet is destroyed. To find out, they choose one inhabitant and give that person the power to do whatever he/she wants. And they choose Neil Clarke, a teacher who teaches the special kids. He is constantly being berated by the headmaster and is attracted to his neighbor, Catherine, but doesn't have the guts to approach her. But now he can do anything he wants but has to be careful.
Genre: Comedy, Sci-Fi
Director(s): Terry Jones
Production: Atlas Distribution
Rotten Tomatoes:
85 min

Thirty seconds and counting.

Power transfer is complete.

We're on internal power

with the launch vehicle at this time.

T minus 20 seconds and counting.

All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.

T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal.

Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...

Ignition sequence starts.

Six, five, four, three, two, one,

zero. All engines running.

Lift off! We have a lift off.

And so in 1972,

the Atlas Centaur rocket

blasted off from our planet,

a four-stage rocket that launched a probe

way out into the blackness of space.

The probe would use the energy from the sun

and the gravitational pull

of our neighbouring planets

to cross our solar system.

That momentum would then carry it on

into the farthest reaches of the universe.

The mission, to find intelligent life

similar to ours

out there in deep space.

The probe carried a tablet

which had inscribed on it

the image of us humans, a man and a woman,

and a map to locate us in the universe.

Stage four disconnects and our probe

is fired on its long journey.

The world wished it bon voyage

and may it find a friend out there

in deep space.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, nice to see you.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

When I interviewed Neil Clarke

for The Book Programme,

I knew he was extraordinary.

Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel,

reviewers agree he's joined the ranks

of Britain's immortals.

Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.

Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off

by asking you

how did you manage such amazing

insight into the soul of modern man

and how do you know

what men and women really want,

just really the whole relationship

between humanity and the cosmos?

Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that

by looking into my own soul, Catherine.

Um, I studied its flaws,

its potential, its urgent needs.

I listened to its cries for help...

...and its yelps of anguish and, um, I...

I spent five long years

in a book which I hoped would throw open

the doors of human perception

and allow us to be engulfed

in a sense of our own futility.

Sorry about this, it's...

Get off! Down!


Oh, God.

Go watch TV.

Your dog is barking.

My dog was barking

because you rang the doorbell.

I rang the doorbell

because your dog was barking.

Your lease says no pets.

Well, he is a guide dog.

You're not blind.

I prefer the term "optically challenged".

You're not optically challenged, either.

Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.

I mean, I don't...

If you don't control your bloody dog,

I am going to get it sent

to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?

- Hmm?

- All right.

Come on, Dennis,

let's go and evacuate your bowels.

Come on, Dennis.

Come on.

- Hi, Neil.

- Hi, Catherine.

Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you.


Yeah, you were presenting me

with an award for my novel.

Oh, did you deserve it?

Well, I was proud but humble.

Have you finished it, actually, in real life?

Absolutely, almost, yeah.

Cos last spring you were on chapter...

Yeah, I've renumbered them.

In fact, I've removed them.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

I find the whole concept of chapters

just gets in the way so...

Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.

I want reading it to be like being

sucked into a giant vortex, you know.

- Like going on Facebook.

- Like Facebook, yeah.

That's a good one.

"Like being sucked into a giant vortex."

Dennis, why do you let me

say things like this, hey?

Come on.

Hmm. Mmm?


- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.

- No, I can't, Neil.

- Yeah, but it can't lose.

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Terry Jones

Terence Graham Parry "Terry" Jones (born 1 February 1942) is a Welsh writer, actor, comedian, screenwriter, film director, presenter, poet, historian and author. He is best known as a member of the Monty Python comedy troupe. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Absolutely Anything" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 26 Jan. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/absolutely_anything_2172>.

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