A Walk in the Woods Page #3

Yeah, yeah. Where are you?

(CHUCKLES) I'm in Des Moines.

Where the hell else would I be?

Well, it's good to hear your voice.

Yeah. Hey, Doug told me about

this Appalachian Trail deal of yours.

Are you serious about that?

Yes, I'm very serious.

You think maybe I could come with you?

(STAMMERS)

You wanna come with me?

Yeah, if it's a problem, I understand.

- No, no, no, no.

- I mean, I understand if you don't want me.

No, why... Why wouldn't I want you?

Because, you know,

I still owe you 600 bucks from Europe.

Well, that was forty years ago, Stephen.

Yeah, but I still intend to pay you.

Well, I know you're good for it.

Ah, great, great.

BRYSON:
So, what kind

of shape you in?

Well, I'm in good shape.

I walk everywhere these days.

Really?

Yeah, since the bastards

took away my license.

(CHUCKLES)

Um...

So, how are you with bears?

Well, they haven't gotten me yet.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you know there can't be a black bear

within 1,500 miles of Des Moines, Katz.

That's what I'm saying, man.

Those f***ers keep their distance.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You'll never guess who just gave me a call.

No, no, no. Not Stephen Katz.

Mmm-mmm.

You said I couldn't go alone.

Well, presuming you were going

to get somebody responsible.

You don't even know him.

Well, I know the stories.

Didn't he have a drinking problem?

We all had drinking problems.

Well, you two ended up

on each other's nerves in Europe.

No, no, no, no.

We started out on each other's nerves.

We ended up despising each other.

(SCOFFS)

You know I hate this, right?

Sweetheart, I really don't think

you have anything to worry about.

No. Just my husband wandering off

into the woods,

surely to be maimed or killed

or contract some ghastly

parasitic disease which,

if lucky, will leave him propped up

in a chair, drooling into his own bib.

But there's nothing to worry about,

because of course

I'll be the one expected to stand

by your side, feeding you ice chips

until you capitulate to this

unnamed malady, and then what?

I get to stand in front

of some gaudy church saying,

"He was a loving husband and father,"

"once considered to be

a man of reasonable intelligence,"

"since revealed to be nothing more"

"than a daft and utter fool."

Well, it's a shame I won't

be there to hear it.

Look, I know what this seems like, okay?

Have you actually

thought this through at all?

Of course not.

WOMAN:
(ON P.A) Lebanon Airport

welcomes Cape Air Flight 106.

Travelers arriving from Springfield

can claim their baggage

at Baggage Claim Carousel Four.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

You are shitting me.

(BRYSON CHUCKLES)

- Hey, Stephen.

- Bryson.

How are you?

Hello, Steve-o.

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