A Voyage Round My Father Page #3

Well, I hope she did!

Make the wretched woman

understand

we... we dread visitors.

Where's the boy?

[Whistling 1

I was to be prepared for Hie.

Complete with house shoes,

gym shoes, football boots,

shirts gray, shirts white,

Bulldog Drummond,

min! Humbugs, boxing gloves,

sponge bags,

and my seating plans

for all the London theaters.

MOTHER:

Mr. Lean's going to drive him.

A trois heures e! Demi.

Half past 3:
00.

Yes, dear.

Mr. Lean's going to drive him.

FATHER:
All education

is totally useless,

but it does pass the time.

The boy can't mope around here

all day long

doing the crossword

till it's time he gets married.

Married?

[ Chuckles ]

There's plenty of time

to think about that

when he's learned to keep

his bedroom tidy.

The headmaster seemed

rather charming.

FATHER:

[ Chuckles ]

No one ever got a word of sense

out of any schoolmaster.

You may at a pinch

take their word

about, uh, equilateral hexagons,

but life...

Life's a closed book to them.

I've packed you

some mint humbugs.

They're allowed humbugs.

Don't expect any advice from me,

lhope?

All advice is useless.

MOTHER:
I've still got to mark

your hockey stick.

You're alone in this world,

and there's nothing anyone

can tell you about it.

[ Sobs 1

Oh, what's the matter

with the boy?

You're never crying?

- Oh.

- Ah.

Uh, say the word "rats."

Nobody can cry

if they say "rats."

It's something to do

with the muscles of the face.

Rats. Rats.

Rats.

[ Sniffs ]

R-Rats.

[Door closes,

engine turns over]

HEADMASTER:
Now, new boys.

Stand up now.

Let me have a look at you.

Someday, some far distant day,

you will be one-yearers.

Then you'll be two-yearers,

then three-yearers.

You will go away,

and you will write letters,

and I shall try hard

to remember you.

Then you'll be old boys.

Old Cliffhangers

you shall become,

and the fruit of your loins

shall return to the school

by the water...

Leave the room,

the boy who laughed.

The fruit of your loins

shall return and stand here,

even as you are standing here.

And we shall teach them.

We shall give them sound advice

so that hungry generations

of boys

shall learn not to eat peas

with their knives

or butter their hair

or clean their fingernails

with bus tickets.

You shall be taught to wash,

to bowl straight,

and to wipe your dirty noses.

In the sixth form,

you shall see something of golf.

You will look upon the staff

as your friends.

At all times,

you will call us by nicknames.

I am Noah.

My wife is Mrs. Noah.

You are the animals.

My son Lance is Shem.

Mr. Pearce and Mr. Box...

Ham and Japhet.

Matron is Matey.

And Mr. Bingo Ollard is...

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