A Very Sordid Wedding Page #4

Wait, what? Are you all...?

Yes, our surrogate just

finished her first trimester

and we wanted to wait,

you know, just to be sure,

but you are going to be a glama of twins.

[Latrelle screaming]

[laughing] She's screaming.

Good to see you, Mitchell.

I gotta go, Mom. Boss man just arrived.

Hey, Mitchell. Bye, Mom.

Oh, welcome. Good to see you guys.

- You too.

- Come on back, let's talk.

So I saw all the press

on the recent weddings.

Perfect media attention.

Faith in America. Great

job, Ty, that was incredible.

And you, Kyle, what's it

gonna be, Dallas or Atlanta?

- [sirens blaring]

- [grunting and coughing]

I don't speak. I don't speak

gruntin', Aunt Little Neecy.

[phone ringtone playing]

Oh, hello there, Brother Boy.

LaVonda, I need your help.

My talents are being wasted here in

Long-f***ing-view,

Texas.

I need you to rescue me.

Uh-huh, well, did you hear

that the hitchhiker murderer

has escaped the pen?

He is from Longview, you know.

And he's killed people

all over that area.

Had sex with those he murdered.

He's suppose to be executed next week.

LaVonda, please, you

know I frighten easily.

I'm fragile as a little baby kitten.

And Mama's ghost is hauntin' me!

It's not the good hauntin'

like when Tammy comes to me.

It's the bad hauntin'.

And they've made, LaVonda,

this new drag queen

head of the show, and

she has me on probation.

She's sayin' that I have to give up Tammy.

I have to give up Loretta,

and I have to give up Dolly.

I'll have no show.

- My new show is called...

- [Neecy grunting]

...We Three Queens of Opry Are.

I mean, who am I

suppose to do, LaVonda?

Carrie Underwood? Her kind

of Christianity frightens me.

I mean, one minute she's asking for Jesus

to please take the wheel,

and then the next minute

she's beatin' out the

headlights of her cheatin'

ex-boyfriend's truck.

What about the other one?

Am I suppose to do her?

The little fleshy, the real sweet one,

married to Blake Shelton.

Miranda Lambert. They're gettin' divorced,

and she's lost weight.

Well, I hadn't, I'm big as

Dallas and half of Fort Worth.

I look like my water is about to break.

And I can't pull off

them young ones, LaVonda.

I mean, you can just dim the lights so low

and then you're in the dark.

I need you to come get me.

Can you borrow Wardell's truck?

And move me up to Dallas

where opportunity is rampant?

I heard about this bar

LaVonda, called the Rose Room.

Seats 500 people.

I need that kind of appreciation.

LaVonda, I need that kind of applause.

I need so much, LaVonda.

I need my precious princess...

Tammy! [crying]

[hammer pounding]

[Mrs. Barnes humming]

Yoo-hoo!

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