A Stand Up Guy Page #4

- Eh, let me ask you a question.

- Hmm.

Is this the hot spot in town? This is it?

Let me see.

We have a broken-hearted

redneck on stage named Mel,

singing about a love he

probably never even had.

So if you call that a hot

spot, then this is the hot spot.

I think I have a crush.

Oh, let's hope not.

What's your name?

Hey, Manny. This is my brother.

- Your brother?

- Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Is it?

The f*** happened at your house growing up?

Lot of awkward family talk.

Well, she stole my

heart My car, my soul

She stole my spirit

And she hurt me so...

So we open the trunk, it's

like 3,000 beanie babies.

Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.

We thought we were hijacking cigarettes,

we ended up hijacking

a ten year old's dream.

Ha!

Many, come on.

When a man meets a woman

something happens inside,

deep inside.

His first inclination

is to recite a diatribe,

as he relates to his rebellious

history as a childhood thief,

thereby appearing edgy,

cool,

tough.

All the while just trying to

gain access into her lady palace.

What?

I didn't say anything.

She stole my spirit

And she hurt me so

I tried, I tried

I cried, I cried

And they found her

body I lied, I lied

This guy is killing me

with his depressing songs.

Had to do it

I mean, he's confessing to murder with

the worst voice I ever heard in my life.

Why don't you get up there?

No, no, no.

I don't show off in front of strangers.

Why stop now?

Showing off is just

insecurity masking as bravado.

I've got a 100 bucks

that says you won't do it.

I'll put 50 on top of that.

150 bucks just to go up there?

Uh-huh.

Who's bringing me up?

Hey, Mel.

Time to tuck your sensitive

heart back in your pants.

Just bring up this guy,

what's your name again?

Derek.

Little DD.

It's Derek.

Little Deacon.

All right. Yeah, please

welcome Little Deacon.

- It's Derek.

- Please welcome Little Derek.

And if anybody knows where JD is,

please come see me after the show.

- 150 bucks?

- Mm-hmm.

Put your money out.

Mel nearly broke my heart

and my love for music.

That was the opposite of uplifting, right?

I mean, the guy couldn't hit

a note if he blew Marvin Gaye.

Wow, you two.

What dressed you, a goat?

When was the last time

you shaved? Never ago?

You guys never heard of gel?

No? Hair products?

Are you eating a jawbreaker

or is his balls in your mouth?

Your parents, definitely f***ed in woods.

No doubt about it.

Look at you.

The product of a deer and a man.

Two friends sharing one tooth.

I'm killing it up here.

This is great, I can do it all day.

So, when Lorie writes, "I still like you",

she really means, "I love you".

She just didn't write "love", right?

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