A Few Best Men Page #5

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The tour would be great.

- Hi! Are you Ray?

- No.

We're looking for Ray.

Said we could come by and get some

- (Clicks tongue)

You know... Some weed.

Come inside.

Mad Frank send you?

No, I emailed you. Um...

I'm Tom, from the website, remember?

- Who's the bag man?

- It's just my friend, Graham.

This isn't a Hitler moustache, by the way.

It's just how my facial hair grows.

RAY:
Sit the f*** down.

TOM:
OK.

So, how much do you need?

Five, ten kilos?

Just an eighth if that's cool.

It's for a friend's stag night.

(Dog whimpers)

I'd prefer it if you tried it first.

I don't want you pounding down my

door in the middle of the night

saying I sold you dodgy grass.

(Chuckles nervously) I don't

think we'll be doing that.

I said, I'd prefer it

if you tried it first.

TOM:
Tastes good, doesn't it?

- (Coughs)

Tastes quite... Quite fruity.

JIM:
Next up, the sauna.

12-inch window with a five-star view.

(David laughs) That's funny.

- That wasn't a joke, Dave. MIA:

Grandad built that sauna in 1963.

Carpenter, struggling to raise seven

children, now I own the whole property.

You can have it all, Dave, if you

don't mind getting your hands dirty.

You see that house over there?

You play your cards right and

it's got your name on it.

- So, you guys mates?

- Yeah.

Grew up on the same street.

I used to have mates but most of

them are in prison or dead now.

Look, I've tried making new friends,

you know, on the internet and that

but I don't know,

you can't trust anyone.

One day they're your best mate,

the next they're stabbing you

in the back for a gram of speed

and you wind up having

to break their kneecaps

with a f***ing ironing

board, then where are ya?

- D'you mind if I use your toilet?

- In the meth lab.

Tom...

Hey, would you like to see

my new tattoo?

Yeah.

(Gasps)

- Ain't she a corker?

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- Well, it's a little kid crying.

And those are his bastard

parents leaving him for dead.

It's original.

And I've saved the best for last.

Pull your socks up, Dave, cause

they're about to get knocked off.

This is it - Jim Ramme HQ.

DAVID:
It's... impressive.

MIA:
This is also

where we keep Ramsy.

Uh, who's Ramsy?

DAPHNE:
He's the son Dad never had.

- I thought you were.

- (Daphne smirks)

Prepare yourself, Dave,

to meet the numero uno,

the king of kings, the

champion of champions.

This is Ramsy.

DAVID:
Wow. A sheep.

In the house.

He's not just any old sheep.

The day I was photographed

with this golden fleece,

my political career turned around.

(Groans) (Woman clears throat)

You've met my terrifyingly efcient

right-hand woman, Maureen Coate.

Mr Locking, I prepared an Excel

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