10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #3

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I went to a Turkish bath.

Who cares?

The show was a flop.

Bloom, do me a favour...

...move a few decimal points around.

You can do it, you're an accountant.

You're part of a noble profession.

The word "count" is part of your title.

- That's cheating.

- It's not cheating.

It's charity.

Bloom...

...you see this stickpin?

This once held a pearl

as big as your eye.

I used to wear handmade

Italian shoes, $500 suits.

And look at me now.

Look at me now!

I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

Bloom, you gotta save me.

I'm reaching out to you.

Don't send me to prison.

Help me.

All right. All right.

Okay, I'll do it.

- Really?

- Yes, I'll do it.

See, $2000 isn't so much.

I'm sure I can hide it someplace.

After all, the IRS isn't interested

in a show that flopped.

Right. Good thinking.

You figure it out.

I'm gonna take a little nap.

Now, let's see.

Let's see, if we add up

these deductions, we get...

Carry the three, divide by four...

Amazing.

It's absolutely amazing, but...

...under the right circumstances...

...a producer could

make more money with a flop...

...than he could with a hit.

Yes, it's quite possible. If he were

certain that a show would fail...

...a man could make a fortune.

- Yes?

- Yes, what?

- What you were saying. Keep talking.

- What was I saying?

You were saying that a producer...

...could make more money

with a flop than a hit.

Well, yes. It's quite possible.

You keep saying that,

but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter

of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment

that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

All right. When you produced

your last show, Funny Boy...

...you raised $2000

more than you needed.

But you could've raised a million...

...put on your $100,000 flop

and kept the rest.

- But what if my show was a hit?

- Then you would go to jail.

See, rather than 100 percent

of the show...

...you would've sold

more than 1000 percent.

So if the show's a success,

there's no way to pay off the backers.

- Get it?

- Got it.

So in order for our scheme to work,

we'd have to find a sure- fire flop.

"Our scheme"? What scheme?

What scheme?

Your scheme,

you bloody little genius.

I meant no scheme. I merely posed

a little academic accounting theory.

- It was just a thought.

- Bloom...

...worlds are turned

on such thoughts.

Don't you see, Bloom?

Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

It's so simple.

Step one,

we find the worst play ever written.

Step two,

we hire the worst director in town.

- Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.

- Two?

Yes, one for me, one for you. There's

a lot of little old ladies out there.

Step four, we hire the worst actors

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