10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers

Genre: Comedy

- Opening night

- Opening night

It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's latest show

Will it flop or will it go?

The cast is taking its final bow

Here comes the audience now

The doors are open

They're on their way

Let's hear what they have to say

He's done it again

He's done it again

Max Bialystock has done it again

We can't believe it

You can't conceive it

How'd he achieve it?

It's the worst show in town

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show in town

Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss

We've seen sh*t

But never like this

Max Bialystock has done it again

The songs were rotten

The book was stinkin'

What he did to Shak espeare

Booth did to Lincoln

We had this specially made up

for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster

What a disaster

We are still in shock

Who produced this schlock?

That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock

What a bum


Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy. Speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold

of yourself. Come with me.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, right this way.

Watch your step.

Look, just...

Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

- Who are you?

- I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant.

I'm from Whitehall & Marks...

...and I've come to do your books.

- Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen...

- Who is it?

- Hold Me- Touch Me.

Hold Me- Touch Me.

One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet

with an important investor.

Do me a big favour,

go to the bathroom.

- But I don't have to go.

- Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment,

my darling.

Hold Me- Touch Me.

Where is Hold Me- Touch Me?

Kiss Me- Feel Me,

Clinch Me- Pinch Me...

...Lick Me- Bite Me, Suck Me...

Here she is. Hold Me- Touch Me.

You know, it worked.

As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...

...I didn't have any trouble at all...

- Back. Back. Don't make a sound.

Coming. Coming.

Hello, gorgeous.

- Hold me, touch me.

- As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays

without checkies.

Here you go.

But first,

can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right, my little sex kitten.

What shall we play?

The Debutante and the Bricklayer?

- Oh, no.

- No.

How about the Rabbi

and the Contortionist?

You like that one, mama,

keeps you limber.

I know.

Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid

and the Well-Hung Stableboy.

I don't think I have the strength.

- Don't worry, I'll be gentle.

- All right.

Oh, dear...

...this milk is so heavy.

I'll never reach the house.

You there, well-hung stableboy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course, my little dairy queen.

First I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take your virginity!

No! No! Never! Never!

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung!

Give it to me.

Darling, wait,

I haven't even had coffee yet.

- Take it easy. Take it easy.

- Oh, my God.

Send me to the moon, you animal.

Send me to the moon.

Yes. Yes, my darling.

Thursday. Come back Thursday.

I'll send you to the moon Thursday.

I may even join you.

But first, the checkie.

Where's the checkie?

Come on, come on, find the checkie.

Here you go.

I made it out, like you told me,

to the title of the play:

- Cash.

- Yes.

That's a funny name

for a play, Cash.

Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.

I'll see you Thursday.

- Bye.

- Bye. Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out of the bathroom now,

Mr. Bialystock?

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm terribly sorry I caught you...

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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