What If Page #2

No, I also didn't see you

standing right next to me.

Hi, Wallace.

- Chantry.

- Yes.

- I'm here alone.

- Me too.

My boyfriend was supposed to come,

but he had to work late, so...

I like seeing movies by myself, though.

I think it's, um,

really cool you're here alone.

Oh, yeah. Super cool.

Yeah.

CHANTRY:
Seriously?

WALLACE:
Yeah, seriously.

I don't think you can have Princess

Bride as one of your favorite movies

if you actually think love

makes you a worse person.

Well, no, it's irrelevant.

The Princess Bride

is a fairy tale.

In fairy tales, love inspires you

to be noble and courageous,

but in real life, love is just an

all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.

You can lie and cheat and hurt people,

and it's all okay because you're in love.

I don't know

if you are actually cynical,

or just a super crazy,

romantic cheese ball.

You go see Princess Bride by yourself,

on a week night, like a total loser.

Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you,

and you still came all by yourself,

- so who's the real loser?

- Are you hungry?

CHANTRY:
I can't believe

you ordered fried pickles.

Pickles are disgusting.

Pickling is like embalming, basically.

Like, a pickle jar

is like a tomb for cucumbers.

I violated a tremendous amount

of corpses in medical school,

so I know that pickling

is not the same as embalming.

- You're a doctor?

- Uh, heh, no.

- Med school dropout.

- All right.

[CRUNCHING]

The whole premise of deep-frying

is it makes everything taste better.

- I don't like deep-fried food.

- French fries?

- Eugh.

- Onion rings?

- Fried chicken?

- Nope.

- Fish and chips?

- Gross.

Funnel cakes? Doughnuts?

Deep-fried banana sandwiches?

No, but Elvis ate those.

And something called Fool's Gold.

- What is that?

- I don't know exactly,

but I read on the Internet

that Elvis died

with 40 pounds of undigested feces

still in his intestine.

Thank you for telling me that

in the middle of dinner.

- You're welcome.

- Next time I take a bite,

- you can say "diarrhea."

- Diarrhea.

Is this something

you learn in med school?

Yeah. They go through the...

- All the famous people.

- All the famous people

and how much feces were left in

them at the time of their death.

- Marie Antoinette?

- Tons.

In fact, they had to guillotine

her intestine as well as her head.

Yeah. They just, like, moved the body

further along through the machine.

Who do you think weighs the feces?

I think, as the king,

it would've been, like,

a job that people fought for.

- Mm-hm.

- "Well, if I can't dress him,

if I can't make him look pretty for the

casket, can I at least touch his poo?"

- You think he kept a bit?

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