Tour de Pharmacy Page #3

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F***ing hell, mate.

Hamm:
The 1982 Tour de France

was the most eccentric bike race

in the history of cycling,

in large part due to the fact

that virtually every rider

in the race was doping,

nearly all 170 of them.

The reason every rider was on drugs in the

'82 race

has to do with the

fact that credit cards

were introduced to

Finland the year before.

KultaBank issued the first

Finnish charge card,

and they announced it with

a bizarre commercial.

Yeah, it's

a confusing commercial

for a dozen reasons

at least.

First of all, why is going down

on his wife payment for this guy?

And what's he paying for?

Spilling the milk?

We saw him spill the milk, so why is she

drinking milk in the very next scene?

You'll notice the woman

doesn't climax,

which means the debt

has not been fully repaid,

and likely never will.

Right, guys?

Sorry, I just noticed

the crew is mostly women.

I'm not good at oral sex.

Hamm:
The disciplinary cunnilingus

shown in the commercials

certainly did not do its job explaining

credit cards to the people of Finland.

and this included

the former president

of the UCI,

Ditmer Klerken.

Well, the UCI

was in charge

of testing all the

riders for doping,

and the guy in charge of that had

a serious credit card problem.

I would see something,

like a cool car

a cool horse,

or something like this,

and... and I would hand them

this magic piece of plastic

and they would give me

the cool thing.

After three months,

Ditmer owed

nearly $16 million U.S.

to KultaBank.

Because he was

in this huge debt,

Ditmer sent every rider

a note saying

if they paid him $50,000,

they wouldn't

get drug-tested that year.

Ditmer:
"Hey,

if you don't want to be drug tested,

"make a check out

to Ditmer Klerken

"in the amount

of $50,000 U.S.

"and you won't be.

Thanks you guys, Ditmer.

"PS, if you tell

anyone about this,

I'll f***ing kill you!"

Silly.

Wright:

And here we go!

The 1982 Tour de France

has officially begun!

Guys came out flying on bikes!

Man, I wanted to be on a bike so bad.

Hamm:
Day one,

207 kilometers from Basel to Mohlin,

up and over some of the most

breathtaking hillscapes in the world.

a serene landscape that

was completely juxtaposed

to the ugliness

that was about to ensue.

Wright:
The riders still

holding tight in the peloton.

JuJu Peppi not surprisingly

at the front of the pack.

And it looks like we've got

a beautiful fan up ahead!

Hey, hey, bella senora!

Wright:
And JuJu went in for the

grope and is losing balance!

Can he stay up?

Oh no! Oh no!

JuJu's lost his balance!

He's fallen over!

It's a terrible crash!

Yay!

Wright:

People are beginning to stand,

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