Ted 2 Page #2

News flash! Boston whore

has seen Italian penis.

What the f***

did you just call me, f***er?

- What did you f***ing say?

- What the f***?

You wanna call me a whore?

- You wanna throw sh*t?

- Yeah, I wanna f***ing throw sh*t!

I'll f***ing throw sh*t!

There, see?

- How do you like that?

- Oh, I'm scared, Teddy!

I'm really f***ing scared of you,

you little f***ing bear!

Shut the f*** up!

For Christ's sake!

Hey, you shut the f*** up!

Come down and make me,

tough guy.

Why don't you come up here

and make me come down there, tough guy?

I am gonna come up there,

and I'm gonna kick your f***ing ass!

Try it, a**hole.

Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

Shut the f*** up, you stupid b*tch!

Shut the f*** up!

- Hey, I'm really sorry!

- Yeah, me, too.

- She's worse than us.

- She's our enemy now.

Have you guys at least

tried marriage therapy?

Oh, God, yeah.

It was a frigging disaster.

$250 and we didn't

learn a goddamn thing.

250? Dude,

that's ridiculous!

Doesn't your insurance

cover that or something?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried

to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

but I came back five minutes later,

she was looking at black c*cks.

It seems like every time you go online,

you're two clicks away from black c*cks.

Look. See?

I'll Google "Grand Canyon."

Here. Look, it says,

"Did you mean black c*cks?"

I don't know, man. I got to do

something or my marriage is gonna collapse.

Here you go, guys.

We're gonna be closing in a few,

but I'm going to this after-hours thing at

my friend's apartment, if you wanna join.

Oh, thanks, Allison.

But I got an early day tomorrow.

Oh. Okay.

Well, if you change your mind,

here's the address.

I put my cell number

on there too.

Oh, my God.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

- What?

- What do you mean, "what?" After hours?

Jesus, Johnny.

She totally wants to sleep with you.

I'm not into it.

John, you've been saying that

for a year and a half...

about every chick

that throws herself at you.

Get back in the game, man!

Don't start this sh*t.

Look, I wasted six years of my life

with the wrong girl, and I got burned.

I'm not gonna make

that same mistake again.

Jesus, Johnny.

You don't got to marry Allison.

You just got to bang her and

maybe pee on her a little. What?

It's always good to find

new ways to surprise your lover.

Yeah,

I got to take a leak.

Sorry, Allison. I tried.

It's okay.

I just wish he wasn't

so goddamn cute.

Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's

with just a splash of Grey Goose?

Wish I could help you,

but we're closing.

Oh, come on.

I been coming here since the '90s.

Sorry, buddy.

No can do.

Come on. One drink, and I promise

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