Ted 2

1

We are often told...

that happily ever afters exist

only in the pages of fairy tales...

and in the naive minds

of sheltered innocents.

And yet, on this bright,

sunny Boston afternoon,

a talking teddy bear is about

to marry his girlfriend,

proving two things:

Happy endings can come true

for anyone,

and America doesn't

give a shit about anything.

Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

take this teddy bear to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Ted, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Fuckin'-A right, I do!

Then, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bear.

Thank you, folks!

We're gonna take a short break

and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your newlyweds!

Teddy, this is

the best day of my life.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, baby.

I'm gonna go 50 shades

of bear on you tonight.

- Let's go get shit-faced.

- Okay.

Celebrate good times

Come on

Thank you.

Let's celebrate

There's a party goin' on

right here

- Hey, congrats, you mofos.

- Oh. Hey, Guy.

- Beautiful ceremony.

- Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it.

Hey, this is my new boyfriend,

Rick.

- How you doing?

- Good, good.

He's a gourmet chef,

so he knows how to toss a salad.

Rick and I are actually

about to tie the knot.

Oh, you guys

are getting married?

No, we're just gonna go home

and tie our dicks together.

F*ck you. F*ck you.

Deal.

It's electric

No! No!

I said no Electric Slide!

Goddamn it, you will not

wreck this night...

with your forced

white people group fun!

It's electric

Do you remember

The 21st of September?

Love was changin' the minds

of pretenders

Hey, buddy. You okay there?

You look a little down.

Are you still shaking off

that hangover from the bachelor party?

Oh!

That's nice.

Oh, my God.

She's fucking begging for it!

She's totally begging.

Get it. Get in there.

Look at her.

She wants it bad!

Oh, yeah. She wants more

than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?

That's bigger than the

average bear right there, I'll tell you.

You know what's fucked up?

Dude, that's somebody's

fucking daughter!

Shit! Jesus!

Come on!

You know what, Johnny?

It's entirely possible it's his daughter.

That's how

it works out there.

I'm fine. I was... thinking about Lori.

Oh, Johnny,

come on, man.

It's been six months

since you guys got divorced.

I know, I know.

It's just that...

Being back in

that church again?

I mean, everything seemed like

it was gonna be so perfect.

Yeah. You're not the first guy

to marry the wrong girl.

Hey, listen, don't let her drag

you down tonight. Okay? This is a party.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I don't mean to mess up your big day.

What? You kiddin'?

You're not the one messing it up.

Check out Tami-Lynn's

asshole brother in the wheelchair.

If you don't dance with me,

you're a monster!

Watch it,

you fuckin' tool!

Hey, hey!

Big day, huh, bud?

You guys wanna celebrate

with a little something else, hmm?

Oh. No, thanks, Sam.

Tami-Lynn would kill me if

I did drugs on our wedding day.

Aw, she won't notice.

I just did a line with a dude

in the men's room,

and I bet you can't

even spot him.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

Hey, hey, what do you say we do

the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.

F*ck it. Let's do it.

There he is!

Attention, everyone.

May I have your attention, please?

Johnny and I have prepared

something very special for you here.

Let's have it, fellas.

When you hear the sound of

thunder don't you get too scared

Just grab your thunder buddy

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