Stealing Harvard Page #3

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This string is a guide, John.

It's just a guide.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Know what your problem is?

You don't understand an oath is an

oath. You made an oath to your niece.

No, I didn't.

It was just an offhand remark.

- How much money you got?

- 30,000.

But that's for buying

Elaine a house.

Right. Look, I'm your friend. I feel

like I can talk straight with you.

Elaine, I like her. I like her a lot,

John. But she's a b*tch!

- She's a dirty, dumb b*tch!

- Duff! Come on.

There are more productive things to do

with money besides buying a house.

- Such as?

- Such as...

...putting it in a bag and

throwing it off a cliff.

And that's just coming off

the top of my head.

- I do know how you can get the money.

- How?

You take $1000,

you go to the horse racetrack...

...you put it on a 30-to-1.

- What's wrong with you?

John, it's been done, man.

Kevin Darnell, remember him?

He put money down, won,

and bought a used DeLorean.

He crashed it and died, but

he did get money. It can happen.

I was hoping for something just

this side of theoretically possible.

You know any criminals?

Because, you know,

criminals have lots of money.

How about David Loach?

David Loach from high school?

That guy's a psycho.

You know what your problem is?

You're mentally inflexible.

- Duff, I hate to ask, but...

- John, I'm not rich, you know.

I may look it because of my expensive

tools and my wonderful truck.

I'm like Bill Gates. He may be the

richest, but he doesn't have money.

It's all tied up in stocks.

I'm not liquid, John.

- I'm not liquid.

- What does that mean?

It means I don't have any money

for you, man.

Duff couldn't give me money,

but he could certainly give me advice.

Know what your problem is? You don't

take responsibility seriously.

Maybe you should have thought

before you went and became an uncle!

I'm doing my best, Duff. I know she's

overcome a lot to turn out normal.

There haven't been many people

who helped her.

- Yeah.

- But you know what?

I'm gonna be one of them.

If I don't come through for her now...

...it's possible she could lose faith

or whatever she's got that's working.

I'm getting that money, Duff.

Even if I have to go to David Loach.

You're not gonna

have to go to David Loach.

I've got another idea.

Can you get the beer?

Hey, kids. Duff's Dial-A-Bottle.

Time to party.

- It'll be 20 each.

- I thought it was 1 5.

That's what the flyer says.

But the fine print says "prices subject

to change." Read the flyer.

You happy? You scum!

Give me the money.

I'm not making money. Do I look rich?

I barely break even. Go!

You skunks! You pukes!

Read the fine print.

That is the most irresponsible thing

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