Shallow Hal Page #2

- What does that mean?

- Well, I just thought it was more of a...

Anyway, why do you care so much?

Jill wasn't right for you and you know it.

How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it?

They're just well-formed molecules.

And by the way, her tits weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em.

That's real enough for me.

Hal, I don't understand how a guy

who's as nice and loyal and generous as you

could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

It never occurred to you that picking girls

on their looks may not be the best way?

Am I supposed to apologise

for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years

I've known you, every woman -

I should say girl - you've gone after

has been completely out of your league.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- She doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying

you're not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying

something really mean.

No.

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

- Yes, Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.

- Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice

to what chama call it.

- President Clinton? Mandela?

- No, no, no.

- Gorbachev?

- No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts!

It's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And those dogs. How big are those?

- Size 16, buddy.

- Holy cannoli.

- So you must do pretty good with the ladies.

- Just one.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She sounds hot!

- She is an amazing lady.

- I bet.

- So, what are you doin' in my town?

- We're doing a seminar here.

I help people to deal with the challenges

in life with more dignity and courage.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to...

Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on.

The elevator just stopped. That's weird.

- Man, yeah. So what do we...?

- Hang on.

- Are you OK? I'm fine.

- You OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just I feel a little light-headed.

Then she dumped me. Flat out. Without

even the courtesy of a severance pop.

- A severance pop?

- You know, one last...

To ease the pain. The nice ones'll

sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had

some odd relationships.

Yeah. See, the problem is I'm kinda picky.

- What do you mean, "picky"?

- Well, for instance, I like 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina

in her first Sports Illustrated layout?

- You're looking for a young Paulina type?

- That face, but with better headlights.

You know how hers

have kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girl.

She's got great knockers.

But she's a tad muscular.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do,

too, if she had a better grille.

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