Screwed Page #3

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"...or he's a dead dog."

Sweet Jesus!

We kidnapped a turd.

According to sources,

the missing chauffeur had been...

...a loyal employee for over 15 years.

Virginia Crock,

known for her mouthwatering treats...

...awoke this morning

to news that was not so sweet.

Do you have any enemies?

Not that I know of.

I'm just an elderly lady who makes pies.

Well, does Mr. Fillmore have any enemies?

- Who?

- That's Willard's last name.

Not that I know of.

Did he have anybody

that he used to bring around the house?

Not that I know of.

Does he have any living relatives?

Not that I know of.

Ma'am...

...excuse me, but...

...this man worked for you

for over a decade...

...and you don't know

if he has any friends or any relatives?

Detective, Miss Crock has told you

everything she knows.

What do you mean?

She hasn't told me anything.

Sir, if it makes you happy...

...you go right ahead

and find Willard Fillmore.

As for me...

...it's time for my nap.

Sources say that Fillmore

moved to Pittsburgh at the age ofsix.

Here's the thing. I hardly knew Willard.

Police say ifyou have any information,

call the Piehunt Hotline at 1-800...

- How did this get so big?

- Rusty, we gotta turn ourselves in.

How? They think you're the victim.

Sh*t! You have to be really dumb

to accidentally kidnap yourself.

Wait a minute.

This is all gonna get pinned on me!

You gotta get un-kidnapped!

You gotta escape!

The kidnappers go out to dinner,

you chew through the ropes, you get away.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good, but it should be real.

There was a struggle

and I got all bruised and beat up!

This is an airtight alibi.

Here. Let me help you.

Good.

- You like that, right?

- Yeah, wait a minute.

What?

I got an idea.

What are we worried about?

Why don't I just stay kidnapped?

Why?

It makes perfect sense.

Instead of them paying $1 million

for Muffin, they pay it for me.

Why would somebody pay

$1 million for you?

'Cause I'm a man. Muffin's a dog.

- Yeah, but he got a pedigree.

- Gimme a break, I'm better than he is!

Come on! I'm better than a dog!

I'm five times better.

- "$5 million."

- It's repugnant.

It's like a rising stock.

Why did he jump from one to five?

All right, man. Let's see some real

emotion here. You're kidnapped.

Let's see some tears.

I want to feel something real.

- And action!

- Help! Save me!

Miss Crock, I'm begging you, please!

I got into MSNBC.

How do you plug that camera in?

I think like this.

In a startling development

in the Pittsburgh kidnapping...

...this shocking videotape

was e-mailed to MSNBC.

Help, Miss Crock, save me!

I'm begging you!

They got me wearing chains!

I'm living in a cage.

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