Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #3

for the first time,

And I didn't look

too good, you know?

It was a Sunday morning.

That's my

least presentable hour.

There's a lot of, you know,

just stains,

Just like, you know,

food and me and whatever...

And so I'm sitting there.

So? Shut up.

Ha ha ha!

Anyway, but so there I was.

I'm sitting on the stone bench

of this courtyard

And feeling a little

out of place.

You know, there's

these fancy doormen and stuff,

And then there's this guy

looking at me.

I notice he's looking at me

from across the courtyard,

And he's all spiffy-looking.

He's got brown shoes, and he's

looking at me like, ""

I can tell he was thinking

I don't live in the building.

He thinks I just wandered in

off the streets

And sat in the courtyard.

I can tell he's thinking

of coming over

And dealing with me on his own,

and I'm sitting there thinking,

Like, "please do that. Yes.

Please, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on,"

And I'm trying to look

even more gross,

And I'm, like,

pulling up my shirt, ""

And then I see him go, "no.

That's not gonna do at all,"

And he comes over to me,

"" and I'm like,

"Num num num!"

I'm so excited to have

this thing, a confrontation

Where I'm not wrong at all

and he thinks I am.

"rrgh!"

So he comes over, says,

"excuse me,

"do you live in this building?"

And I said, "no,"

'cause why not start there?

I said, "no."

He goes, "well then,

what are you doing here?"

And I said, "I just need

to rest.

I'm having a hard time."

He says,

"this is private property,"

And I said, "well, I don't

really believe in that."

You know, just the worst things

I could say

From his point of view

Is basically all the things

I was saying,

And he goes,

"well, if you don't leave,

I'm gonna talk to the doorman."

I was like, "can I just stay,

like, five more hours?"

So he's--"no,"

and he goes over to the doorman

And I see him talking about me

to the doorman like this,

And then I see the doorman

going, "no.

That guy lives here. It's ok,"

And the look on his face--

mwah mwah! Num num!--

It was just so--

It was this beautiful cocktail

of anger and confusion.

It's like I had invented a new

way to hurt somebody's feelings.

That's how excited I was.

I'm 45 now,

So I'm either halfway through

a healthy life

Or almost done

with a not-so-healthy life.

I don't know which one.

I won't know till it's over

where this was.

I don't know how long

I'm gonna live.

I don't know.

Nobody knows, I guess.

I think human life expectancy

is pretty good.

We get a good run, you know?

Some people die early, you know?

If I die now, people will be

like, "that's too bad."

If I die five years from now,

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