Joe Dirt Page #2

looking like Jane Fonda in Klute...

...why don't you cut the wig now?

Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.

Zander just asked this Joe Dirt

why he doesn't cut the wig.

You can tell he's never

thought of that.

Except for the ratty stache

and the pork chops...

...you're pretty clean-shaven for

a kid who lives in a trash can. No?

I don't need to shave because it don't

grow in right here and here.

You're telling me you were

so ingrained with white-trash DNA...

...your facial hair actually grows in

on its own all white-trashy like that?

I don't know what you're saying,

but that's what's going on, yeah.

So back to the story here.

You're on your own...

I'm just camping out or whatever...

...and this goes on for years until

one night, something amazing happened.

Man, a shooting star.

I got to make a wish.

I wish I knew what happened that

one day at that Grand Canyon place.

It's a meteorite!

Whoa, check it out. That's cool.

Oh, man, look at you.

You're probably made of precious

metal, and everyone'll want you.

But you want to be with me! Right on!

You're Joe Meteorite,

and I'm Joe Dirt!

Here on earth,

we call this place the town.

A town is a place where everyone

hates you. Kids try to beat you up.

- Oh, yes. It's so flat.

- Awesome.

This is going to be awesome.

Holy crap, ladies.

Hey, junior dirt bag.

You talking to your rock?

It ain't no rock.

It's a meteor, dum-dum.

Did it land on your barber's head

while he was cutting your hair?

Go practice falling down.

I'll be there in a minute.

You want to fight, you little queer?

Queer?

Is this queer?

These queer? What's up? What's up?

He must be retarded.

Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.

- Come on, let's go.

- Yeah? You are.

I mean, you aren't worth it.

I told them, Meteor.

You have my back. You're cool.

What's that?

Five dollars. That's mine now.

You're my lucky meteor. Right on.

I'll hold your half for you.

Meteor, we call this here being

in burger heaven.

We need to find a home.

We need some stability

in our life, man.

We need to settle down.

Life gets hard, you know.

Come on now.

It's a little bumpy.

Look at that town, Meteor.

That's pretty.

I bet people in a town like that'll

be nice to us.

Let's go down there.

Come on.

No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor.

Not in a million years.

But just for laughs,

let's see how much you're worth.

Well, it ain't a meteor.

It is. It came out of the sky.

I'm sure it did, but it ain't a meteor.

It's a big old frozen chunk of sh*t.

- What?

- Oh, yeah.

Airplanes dump their toilets 36,000

feet, stuff freezes, falls to earth.

We call them Boeing bombs.

That can't be. That's not what it is.

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