Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #3

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before Jesus

so Noah was about this big.

There's little Noah

with his long hair

and his gray big beard.

He looks like

a glorified chess piece.

And he built a boat,

and they put all the animals

in the boat.

And we had two of each animal,

and he lived in, like,

Afghanistan,

back when it was

a god-loving place.

And all the animals came

and they all

swam there and sh*t,

they all mated there like a

week.

All the kangaroos and all that

type of stuff.

Then he worked out some type of

refrigeration system

to keep the polar bears cold

and the lions hot,

and he made the door

on the ark very small

so the dinosaurs couldn't get in

'cause he was a thinker.

Then he had storage areas

for all their delicate diets

'cause we all know what picky,

f***ing eaters pandas are.

Aren't pandas a bunch of c*nts.

I'm done with pandas.

I'll tell you why,

every f***ing living creature

loves pandas.

The panda doesn't have

a natural predator on the planet

and they're dying out

because they're f***ing d*cks.

F***'em. Let'em die out.

The pandas don't f*** each

other, they don't have babies,

therefore we've got

no f***ing pandas,

they're dead, why,

let's lose the f***ing pandas.

We've tried.

We have f***ing tried.

We at the Human Rights

put pandas in cages together,

and try to help them f***.

We go,

"there's a panda. "

"Go f*** the panda. "

And they just look

at each other.

You put me in a cage

with anything,

anything,

and after a week I'll f*** it.

You'd think pandas

know the Chinese

that's all I'm gonna say

about Christianity.

To be honest with you, it's just

a glorified panda joke.

It's how comedy works, right?

You start with a funny bit,

you work backwards,

so I start panda, and I go

all the way back to small Jesus,

very logical.

But I know I'm in America,

and all you people love God,

and all that, eh?

So let's pick out a few more

religions and make it fair.

All right?

Jews.

What's all that about?

What's with the curly sideburns?

Where in the Bible does it say,

"If thou loves me,

thou shall look lie a dick?"

Next religion.

Isn't Buddha a fat bastard?

That's all I've got on Buddha.

One more.

Muslims.

Can you feel that?

Can you f***ing feel that?

One word,

one f***ing word,

and all your a**holes

shrunk up and went...

Oh, make it good, Australia,

man. Don't f*** this up.

'Cause you think when I say

Muslims I'm about to be racist,

don't ya?

I'm not racist, I'm a bigot.

It's completely different.

And being Muslim isn't a race.

I'm not talking about

Arab people,

I have no problems

with Arab people,

I like to eat food

late at night.

I'm talking about Muslims.

I'm not talking about

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