Guest House Paradiso Page #3

(All) Oh, yes! Let's!

(Giggling)

Settle, birds...

(Eddie) Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A-ha ha ha ha ha!

(Eddie's laughter echoes)

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

(Eddie) Richie,|you've been out for eight hours!

Eight hours?|What have you been doing?

Trying to rouse you with this.

How has the hotel|functioned without me?

Easily, 'cause the guests have gone.

Gone! Did any of them pay?

Er...no.

Did they find the safe?

I'm afraid so.

Damn! So they got|all their stuff back?!

(Cash till rings)

Oh...!

What about advance bookings?

Um, not too good.

Oh, God!

Oh, come on, Richie.|It's not that bad.

Yes, it is. I've just trapped|my penis in the till drawer.

(Cash till rings)

(Foxfur) Oh, Mr Twat?

It's "Thwaite!"

I thought you said|all the guests have gone?

I thought she was dead.

Ah, Twat.|My eggs stilI haven't arrived.

Because you went through|the menopause years ago.

I beg your pardon?

I said I'm afraid breakfast is off.

Oh, have some sherry.

Oh! ls it my birthday?

- Oh...yes!|- What, again?

It's the third time this month.

Yes! Have another one.

(Whispers) Eddie, mark the bottle.

I was just wondering, Mrs Foxfur,|given your increasing infirmity,

whether you might like|to take the opportunity

to pay your bill in advance?

We don't want you getting|so crippled by arthritis

that you can't sign the cheque.

I gave you five years advance|last week.

Yeah! And the week before that.

Oh, yes.

Silly old me.

(Sighs)

Hmm...

ls that gold in those teeth?

You should get those checked.

My twin is a dentist!

Your twin? ls that the same twin|who's a gynaecologist?

Huh?

Er, no, no. He's the third twin.

Yes, that's who he is. I'll get him|to come round this afternoon.

No, I'll get him|to come round right now.

- Yes, but I... I think I...|- No trouble, Mrs Foxfur.

Come along. Up to your room.|Come on, come on!

COME ON!

Right, I'll be...|HE'LL be along in a moment.

Come on! Come on!

Get me a doctor's coat,|some pliers and a hammer.

And your glasses as a disguise.

How do I look?

I don't know, I can't see.

Edward, have you been taking drugs?

Well, never mind depravity.|Let's kick the old bint's teeth out.

(Horns honking)

You're sure this is the right place?

- lt doesn't look nice.|- There's a nuclear power station.

Times are hard and this is|the cheapest hotel in Britain.

Let's make the best of it.

Come on, we're on holiday! Hooray.

- Oh! Oh!|- Go on! Drink it, you b*tch!

Good, that should've|loosened them up.

Eddie, get the croquet mallet while|I do some preliminary bridgework.

Righty-dokey!

(Bell dings)

Quick, Eddie, put your fingerprints|all over this hammer.

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