Funny People Page #3

care of that person no matter what.

That woman's gonna be fine.

All right, so here's the joke.

You can be attractive and

stupid and make it in the world.

Yeah.

And you could be unattractive and smart

and make it in the world. Yeah.

But it's the ugly, dumb

people who are really screwed

'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.

That's funny, man.

That's pretty funny.

I think that'll work.

I was thinking of doing

this thing where, like,

I'm not good-looking

and I'm not bad-looking.

I'm kind of, like, right

in the middle, you know.

Like... Like, if I had a good personality,

I could get any chick in the world,

but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work.

I auditioned for Budd

Friedman at the lmprov.

He okayed me and made me a regular.

Budd won't even look me in the eye.

Man, that's... Good for

you, man. Congratulations.

You shouldn't have lost

all that weight, man.

There's nothing funny

about a physically-fit man.

I know. It's lame, right? Yeah.

No one wants to watch

Lance Armstrong do comedy.

(SlGHlNG) Oh, God.

Hey, lra.

Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a

favor and never leave a paycheck

from your sh*t sitcom on my

pillow ever again, please?

(SlGHS) That is so rude of me

to accidentally leave my paycheck

for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.

It's a dick move.

It's just, they keep coming,

you know, week after week.

It's getting a little bit

hard to keep track of them all.

You know what? Becoming

marginally famous

has really turned you into an a**hole.

Now listen, I'd love to stay here and

chat with you, but we have company.

You know that girl comedian

who lives across the street?

The one with the dark

hair and the bangs?

Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.

Well, I bumped into her

outside and I invited her in,

and she's sitting in our

living room right now.

She's out there right now?

She's hot and she's

mousy, but kind of like...

She's mousy like a mouse you

want to stick your dick in.

Yeah, you've gotta get

out there and talk to her.

Why would you do that?

What do you mean, why would I do that?

I'm trying to hook you up.

Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.

I got a three-month plan. You

can't just throw me into this.

I'll give you 10 days

on your three-month plan.

No, I need 80 more days than that!

Okay, I do this because I care

about you. I do this to motivate you.

But I will f*** that girl

in 10 days. I promise.

Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.

I don't look like Jackson

Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!

Don't do this to me.

Don't make me f*** her.

Well, then just don't f*** her!

Don't you put me in this corner

where I have to f*** my way out.

He'll do it, too. He'll do it.

I've seen him do this before.

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