Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #2

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was a stroke your beard meeting

back at Mr. Dogs headquarters.

Well weve sold but

two cans of Mr. Dog

which some people do say,

But two cans

Lets change the name! So they changed

the name, from Mr. Dog to Cesar.

Now thats a bit of an image

shift in my book of references.

Mr. Dog small dog, yes, you

can see the sort of linky there.

Caesar Roman leader

2,000 years ago,

small dog.

Bit of a strangled route

up to that one, isnt it?

Left at the traffic lights to get there

I think thats a 3:00 in the

morning decision, that one.

Its Caesar, well

call it Caesar!

Caesar!

What about?

Yeah, yeah, f***ing Caesar!

He was a Roman leader

Yeah, small dogs are

Roman leaders, arent they?

All right, Caesar! But

well drop the a out, right?

Cause it was C-A-E-S-A-R,

for some reason.

I dont think Caesar was

going 2,000 years ago,

I have defeated Pompeii,

Im first Emperor of Rome!

I wear the laurel wreath,

with the front bit bitten out

In 2,000 years time,

I shall be remembered as

a can of small dog food

for small, yappy-type dogs

and I shall be played by

James Mason in the film.

Yes, I shall, I shall

Thats what he used to

do, didnt he, James Mason?

Eh Heres Jimmy!

No, he didnt, thats a lie.

It would have freaked us out if he did!

Ladies and gentlemen, James Mason!

What are you doing, James?

Sorry, forget all that bit;

well cut that out. Now

Oh, yes! And supermarkets, yes

As soon as you go in, have you noticed?

They do psychological tricks on us.

As soon as you go in, you hit

fresh fruit and veg. You noticed that?

Every single time! You

go to France, Germany,

fresh fruit and veg,

and its psychological,

you go in, thinking, This is a

fresh shop! Everything here is fresh!

I will do well here

It is, think about it!

You never go in to the toilet paper section,

with the loo brushes and the squeeze

cause then you go,

This is a poo shop!

Everything here is made of poo!

Im not shopping here,

Im going to Azerbaijan!

I knew I didnt need to mime

any further, you got the drift

Yeah, so and all these

fruits have got vitamins

- vitamin A, of course,

which is good for

vitamin B, which we all

know is very good for

vitamin C is good for scurvy, isnt it?

Yes! Theres a lot of

scurvy around these days

People phone in, I cant come

in to work, Ive got scurvy, yes

Well, I live on a houseboat and

Yeah, frothing at the mouth, yeah

the old Captain Cook problem there

Theyve got vitamin D,

which again is good for

Vitamin E, which is good for skin,

and then thats it, no more vitamins.

The whole vitamin-naming

committee are going, Lets see,

vitamin F. Suggestions?

Oh, f*** it! Im off down the boozer

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