Doghouse Page #2

Slag.

- Charmer...

- Wha'? Wha'?

- Now, listen to me, boys...

- I thought it was funny.

This is the plan.

First thing we do in the country,

we piss up the trees, mark our territory.

Then we're gonna find a pub and drink

till we've forgotten how to speak.

We'll communicate in grunts like

cavemen, until we pass out in the woods.

Any questions?

- Are you Michael? I'm the driver.

- Hey, she's the driver!

Wanna see my driver's license?

Uh...

That's Mikey,

the little squirt sitting there.

I'm Neil. What's your name, babe?

I can tell you now it's not "babe".

It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it?

Looks like it's heading that way,

don't it?

I tell you what, let's start again.

- My name's Neil.

- My name's Ruth.

From now on it's Candy.

Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback.

He hasn't evolved properly.

Call me Candy.

Come on!

Wehey! Woo-hoo!

- Right, boys, you ready?

- Yeah!

Get on these two here, look.

A couple of right wrong 'uns.

I'll tell you what, women love me.

You got enough petrol,

babe, and all that, yeah?

- Have you called Banksy again?

- He'll show up.

He's like Mikey's missus.

You can't shake him off.

It looks nice, but it's a piece of sh*t.

- What?

- It's f***ed.

But I've only had it five minutes.

Someone's run the knackers off it.

You can't fix that with a nice paint job.

You're the one

who's getting divorced, ain't you?

Thanks for bringing it up.

There's worse things

than getting divorced.

Rape, murder, castration.

Fair enough.

What's in a weird village like Moodley

that you can't find in London?

Mikey's nan lives there.

We'll stay there while she's away.

What do you mean weird?

Well, it's just a dead-end

in the middle of the woods.

There's nothing there.

When I saw the booking

I thought it was a wind-up.

Mikey says the women

outnumber the men four to one.

- Yes, they do, Neil.

- Oh...

- And obviously they're all gagging for it.

- Obviously.

An entire village

full of man-hungry women

waiting to jump the first band

of desperados rolling up from London.

- Have you been there, then?

- Uh-uh.

My firm hasn't booked

a job to Moodley in years.

Oh, sod off.

Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm.

All is well.

Death is a natural part of life.

Anxiety about this

is an inbuilt survival reflex,

no longer required in this beautiful

predator-free world.

Welcome to the country.

I'll do it, then, shall I?

Yeah, well done.

What's your nana up to

this weekend, Mikey?

She's off on a cruise

while the builders are in.

What builders?

Oh, they'll be gone by the time

we come out of the pub.

What about when they're back

at dawn and start drilling holes?

- She doesn't know we're coming.

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