
Doghouse
Aw, f*ck...
Fuckin' hell!
What's the matter with you? What?
- I'm not a bloody prostitute!
- All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Christ's sake, this was our second date!
Was it? Listen, listen, all right...
I was on the tequilas
last night and, um...
- What is your name again?
- Oh, you're kidding.
Tell you what, if you was a prostitute...
you know... you'd be caked.
- Argh!
- Ow!
What's the matter with you?
That was a compliment!
You know what I mean, I can't win!
I've got the pox of it.
Tell you something else,
you're only an old dog, anyway.
Maybe "boys' weekend,"
wasn't the best choice of words.
Whatever. Have a nice time.
I'm not one of those guys
who ditches his mates for his girlfriend!
- I don't want you to ditch your mates!
- What DO you want?
An invite would've been nice.
No girls allowed, darling.
I didn't know
there was gonna be strippers!
- And Neil's not in charge. I am.
- That fills me with confidence.
I'm only going to my gran's.
I'll be back on Monday.
I'll have the locks changed before then.
Bex, Bex...
It's for Vince. Vince!
He's helped me
out so many times, I've lost count.
When I first came to London,
he supported me. I owe him.
Lots of people get divorced, Mikey.
He'll get over it.
Yes, by spending a weekend
getting trollied with his mates.
Well, you can celebrate
your own divorce with him!
I thought you'd react like that,
so I glued your ring on.
- See you Monday, babe. Love you too!
- Mikey, if you walk out that gate...
You don't know whether
you're coming or going, do you?
Patrick!
I'm going. I'm going!
The first weekend
and you bugger off to the wilderness
to rediscover your testicles!
It's bad enough I have to tell them
you've quit your job...
Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy.
It's going to be a beautiful day.
Let's start it with a smile.
- Anxiety is almost the same...
- Are you just gonna fucking go?
No, no.
It's a symbol of his identity, and the
source of his primeval inner strength.
So how come the Zombie Girls
kick his arse on page four?
How many times have I told you
they're NOT zombies?!
- All right, calm down. It's only a comic.
- No, no, it's not only a comic.
This is a... It's a unique
and often misunderstood art form.
This... is a painstakingly crafted,
and carefully balanced alignment
of words and art, OK?
- What, like TV?
- Do you want it or not?
- No, it's stupid.
- Right, piss off!
- Go on. We're closing early, OK?
- What? Why?
Spaceltime anomaly.
You mean... you want
a bit of time alone with your missus.
Don't touch her. Get off her and get out!
Go on, then!
Go on, out!
And don't come back!
Little knob-end.
Vince, you're not getting out of this!
- You're coming with us!
- We're gonna have such a good time!
Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!
Oh, you bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard! Argh!
THE HORRORS'
# She's a special girl, you know
# The kind I'd hope to see
Hanging on a wall
# Watching me cross the street
# I wonder how long it will be
# Before I'm sick of her
And I no longer care
# Where she goes or has been
# Cause she's the new thing
# Cause she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Well, she's the new thing
# She is the new thing
# She is the new thing
# Another new thing
# Feel my stomach sink
As I curse my slow limbs
# She is the new thing
# Always a new thing
# Staring at her, ulterior girl #
Thanks.
- Vince, you left this behind, mate.
- Ta.
- I have.
- Where's Banksy?
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Doghouse" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 25 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/doghouse_7061>.