Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #3

I gotta call your mother."

Do you know what my son

said to me?

He said, you know, he asked me

what the f-Word means.

I said,

"it's a naughty word, son."

He's like, "no sh*t, dad,

i'm gettin' rich."

There's a nickel.

I can afford it.

No, he said to me,

"what does the f-Word mean?"

I said, "it's a very

naughty word, son.

"It's very, very naughty.

It's a...it's a naughty word

for sex."

He's like,

"you know about sex, dad?"

I was like, "yeah,

i remember it vaguely.

Why do you ask?"

I said, "do you

know about sex?"

He said, "yeah."

I said, "ooh, wait there.

"This will be adorable.

I'll get the video camera.

I'll ask him about sex.

This'll be great."

'Cause he's 91/2.

What's he gonna say about sex?

"Santa, angels, moonbeams."

It'll be adorable.

He'll be like that bill cosby,

Kids are funny little

motherfuckers.

That thing.

They...

I'm paraphrasing,

but that's what he means.

Anyway, so, you know,

i thought,

"I'll film him, you know.

"He'll tell me about sex.

"Then i'll wait till

he's about 14,

"And then i'll say,

'hey, remember that money

"'In the swear jar?

"'I'll take it back now,

or this sh*t goes on youtube,

You little bastard.'"

You're welcome, parents.

So i set him up, and i said,

"do you know about sex, son?"

He said, "i know

all about sex, dad."

I went, "all right,

what do you know about sex?"

He said,

"i know all about sex.

"Penis, vagina, glory hole,

dirty sanchez,

Rusty trombone,

cleveland steamer."

I'm like, "what the f***?

What the f***?

What the f***?"

"What the f***?

"Cleveland steamer.

What is that?

Well, never mind!

Never mind!"

I never taught

my son about sex.

I never, i didn't!

I will never teach

my son about sex!

Just like my father

never taught me!

And his father

never taught him, and...

Actually, it's a f***in' miracle

scottish people

Didn't die out

in the middle ages.

Scottish people don't talk

about sex!

We can't; it's too

embarrassing for us.

We can't talk about it.

If a...

If a scottish person wants

to talk about sex,

We just kind of giggle

and walk backwards

And point at our genitals.

It's true.

If you go to scotland

and you see someone

That looks like

they might be special

And they have to go

to the bathroom,

They don't...

they just find you attractive.

Nobody talks about sex

in scotland.

Scottish gynecologists

Don't even talk about sex.

It's just like,

"Uh, get up on the table

there, mrs. Henderson.

Lift up your skirt."

"We'll take a look

at your magic baby door."

Ah, nobody talks...

so i said to my son,

I said, "who...

who taught you about sex, son?

"This is awful.

W-Was it the creepy guy

in the school parking lot?"

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