Army of One Page #2

your problem.

Yeah.

Knight the kings.

Oh!

Goddamn it, Gary,

not again!

The blade missed

most of Roy's tendons.

And, like the previous

three times,

he was soon back at the bar

with little more

than a bruised ego.

Why would you buy a showerhead

from a country

that doesn't take showers?

Don't buy that toilet,

that toilet was made in Africa.

Pygmies made that toilet

and they take small shits.

Your turd, your potty,

your poo, as it were,

won't make it past the flusher.

Yoo-hoo.

No, seriously,

why would you buy a faucet

from a country in the midst

of a drought?

I don't know what

you're putting up,

but that ain't gonna hold it.

I want you to trust me

because I'm probably the only

person in this whole store

that'll tell you the truth.

Now, if you need anything at

all, you call me.

I'm Gary Faulkner,

your go-to handyman.

Oh, what...

Gary Faulkner.

Marci Mitchell.

Oh, my God!

I cannot believe it!

You look great.

You look great.

I had so many fantasies

about you in high school.

I must've gone through

about 100 boxes of Kleenex.

That is disgusting,

but I'll take it.

- Why would you...

- Because I always had a crush on you.

What've you been doing

all these years?

Oh, my life is boring.

Uh, you know...

- went in and out of community college,

- Uh-huh.

And then, you know, now I work

at The Olive Garden.

Olive Garden, that's a great

restaurant. Well, good.

- I answer phones at a dentist office.

- Uh-huh.

- Calligraphy on the side.

- Calligraphy?

For wedding invitations,

stuff like that.

Dating only idiots.

Uh, 'cause that...

those are the kinds of people

- that can spend time with me, with my schedule.

- Uh-huh.

- You know, losers that have nothing else to do.

- Yeah.

Um...

You remember my sister Carrie?

Sure, yeah, she made you look

like a girl scout.

Uh... well, she,

she passed away.

And, uh, she OD'd

in Colorado Springs,

like, eight years ago.

Wow, that's...

I'm-I'm sorry, that's...

- She got really bad into drugs and, uh..

- I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Had a kid with her dealer 'cause

that's a... kind of stupid

decision you make, but, um...

And what happened to the kid?

I adopted her.

- Oh.

- Lizzie, she's my little princess.

She's, like... all I have

in the world, so...

- Oh, that's awesome!

- Yeah.

- I got to keep it together because of her.

- Wow.

- And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I...

- Yeah.

Hate.

Well, I'll drink to that.

Well, I don't

do that anymore, so...

- No. Sh*t!

- I don't do that.

Only making good decisions.

Hey, listen, do you want

to get an ice cream sundae

with me tonight?

Let's have ice cream.

- Great.

- Not tonight.

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