Army of One

1

Our next guest, dubbed

"The Rocky Mountain Rambo,"

got tired of waiting himself,

so he traveled to Pakistan.

How close did you

actually get to bin Laden?

Tonight with Gary Faulkner.

This is

Gary Faulkner. Good luck.

Gary is an adventurer

who set his sites

- on hunting Osama bin Laden.

- Gary Faulkner

made headlines for travelling

to Pakistan

to capture Osama bin Laden.

Dateline 2004.

Land... the lawless,

tribal region of Pakistan.

Our story concerns

Gary Faulkner,

a part-time construction worker

with bad kidneys

and a full-time

American patriot,

who, after years of watching

the United States

fruitlessly hunt

for Osama bin Laden,

claimed he was visited by God

and accepted a mission to find

and capture bin Laden himself.

Armed with only a sword

and knife,

Mr. Faulkner travelled to one

of the most dangerous places

on the planet

to bring bin Laden to justice.

Here I come!

As strange

as it is compelling,

this is a true story,

or a story

that has truth in it,

or maybe... elements of truth.

Gee, pretty boy,

your time has come.

The G has arrived.

Like most stories,

ours began long ago,

when the hero was but a boy.

Take that, twerp.

Don't come around here anymore.

Hello, Gary.

What ails you, my child?

Did those heathen brutes

just burst your balloon?

Children can be

real pricks sometimes.

Gary, see that kid there?

In a few years time,

the guilt he accumulates

from committing this kind

of bullying will lead

to him becoming a horrible

crystal meth addict,

and he's gonna die

in a meth deal gone bad.

Sh*t happens, Gary.

Crying about it

don't do any good.

But this, Gary...

this is your sword that

I give onto thee,

and as long as you behold it,

you need never fear any man.

You are special.

I choose you

to wield this sword,

and as long as

it's in your possession,

you need never know fear again.

Hello?

Hey, Gary, it's Pickles.

Pickles, wow!

What's up, man?

Glad you called,

I need a place to crash.

I've been crashing

at the job site.

Gary has been

described as everything

from a hero to a crackpot.

Dr. Jonathan Boudin

of the Denver Clinic

for Psychiatric Care

told us that Gary, quote,

"does not suffer

from psychosis, paranoia,

or schizophrenia."

Clinically speaking,

he's as sane as you or me.

But you be the judge.

Worst part of having this

bad kidney,

getting dialysis

three times a week

is they won't let me

eat chicken wings.

Man, this country makes

the best goddamn chicken wings

in the world.

Now, I haven't seen

the whole world,

I haven't tasted chicken wings

in Africa,

but I'd be willing to bet the

right ball on a broke-dick dog

that no place makes better wings

than they do here.

Some other reasons America's

the best country ever,

fastest cars.

Now, some douche nugget

pointed out

that the ltalians

and the Germans

make faster rides on account

of their Ferraris,

and their Mercedes.

Well, I'm talking about

non-fascist automobiles.

Also, I'm pretty sure

more people kick ass here

than in any other country.

I mean, some people claim

that you can't quantify

kick-assedness.

Those are usually people who's

asses have been recently kicked.

What is crazy?

I mean, is crazy bad?

Wasn't it crazy to believe

all men were created equal?

Wasn't it crazy to

believe in life, liberty...

From the first moment,

Gary made clear

that he would not fit

with anyone's expectations.

And refused to believe

he was destined

for anything other

than greatness.

As he continually told those

around him,

"You have to think crazy,

to accomplish crazy things."

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