American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #3

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Are you gonna get a chance

to see your cousin?

Yeah. We might stop by and say hello.

Now, there's someone you

should definitely look up to.

I bet he doesn't have time

to blow his load on his family.

- Harry, please.

- HARRY:
I don't understand.

When I was your age,

I was up to my neck in poontang.

I didn't have time to spank my monkey.

Thank you for that very

disturbing image, Dad.

I mean, Stiflers do not fake

being sick to stay home and pull dick.

We cut class to get ass.

Yes, I know.

That saying is on our family crest.

Oh, don't let me forget

to pack the Imodium AD.

You know, just in case you get diarrhea.

- Mom.

- I am so excited.

Aren't you excited, Harry?

I'm very excited.

Don't you get excited.

ERIK:
It worked

just like you said.

She's helping me pack,

and she's even making us sandwiches.

- Chicken salad?

- Yup.

Sweet.

See, I told you. Never doubt me.

RYAN:
Man, this weekend is gonna be tits.

I can't wait to see Stifler.

Hey, how come you never call me Stifler?

You're more of an Erik.

(BEEPING)

Hold on.

That's Tracy. I'd better take it.

All right, later.

Hey, sweetie.

Listen, about today, I'm really...

Erik, I wanna have sex.

Excuse me?

TRACY:
I wanna have sex.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

Do you have me on a conference call?

Because if you do, that is so not cool.

Erik, this isn't a joke.

I want to have sex.

Yes! Yes, yes.

TRACY:
Tonight.

What?

Tonight. I wanna have sex tonight.

How am I supposed to get out of my house?

That's up to you.

But at midnight, I'll be in my basement

waiting to be ravished.

I'll be there.

Hypocrite.

So you get the beer and the weed,

and I'll handle the nitrous.

You got it. What's Erik bringing?

Sandwiches.

Nice. Chicken salad and college p*ssy.

My favorite combination.

Yeah, well, at least you'll get to taste

the chicken salad.

Ow.

Hey, what do you think Erik's doing

right now?

Probably beating off to dumpster porn.

No more beating off to dumpster porn.

No more virgin jokes.

Tonight, Erik Stifler becomes a man.

- Hi.

- Come on in.

- All right, listen.

- No.

No talking.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait.

What?

Did you hear something?

No. Don't worry, my parents are passed out.

Are you sure?

You know how my stomach gets.

Here, I'll help you relax.

You brought something, right?

Oh, sh*t. I left it at home.

I can run back and get it.

I'll be back in like five...

No, no, don't worry. I've got one.

Do you wanna put it on or should I?

Let's put it on together.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

(DOOR OPENING)

Sh*t. Someone's coming.

Quick, get behind the bar. Now!

Honey, what are you still doing up?

Yoga.

I ate too much at dinner.

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