The Change-Up Page #29

Daddy.

Hi, sugarbug,

come here.

Give me a hug, sweetie.

(GROANS) Good morning.

You smell like a pillow.

Stay here, talk to me.

Sit on that chair.

Tell me about school.

I want to know what you

learned yesterday, okay?

And I want

to hear everything.

Did you know that atoms are

smaller than a grain of sand?

How amazing is that?

So amazing!

And everything on this

planet is made out of atoms.

Which is kind

of strange

because I think that means that

I'm the same as a piece of fruit

or a fish

or this chair!

(GASPS)

I'm me. God, I'm me.

Thank you. Thank you.

God, look at that.

Gorgeous!

God, it's so good

to be back!

Oh, yeah.

Welcome home.

I missed you.

Look at that,

two perfectly shorn balls.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(ZIPPING UP)

Hi.

I left my purse.

I would have called but...

But you left your

phone in your purse.

Yeah.

Right.

I just wanted to apologize,

because I know

that I probably came off a

little aggressive last night,

and I just

wanted to say sorry.

No.

Don't apologize.

I apologize.

I probably came off

a little gay last night.

I hope you will allow me the opportunity

to straighten things out for you.

Hey, guess what?

It's breakfast time.

Do you want to

get some breakfast?

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

here in the sight of God

to unite this man and

this woman in the...

(TIRES SCREECH)

Mitch, you came.

I'm very, very touched.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Dad.

Ooh!

F*** me!

This must be my new mom.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Good. Thank you.

She's holding onto me.

Okay, good, let go.

Keep away from him.

The man's a pervert.

ALL:
Happy anniversary,

Jamie and Dave!

For those of you who don't know

me, my name is Mitch Planko.

I was that nut sack's

best man 10 years ago.

Here we go.

When we were kids, Dave and I,

we had a lot of big plans.

Dave, he was going

to be an astronaut,

and I was going to sell

dolphins on the black market.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SCOFFS) Astronaut!

There's a reason I'm

not selling dolphins.

We live in Atlanta,

they're tough to find.

And those things,

they don't sleep,

which also makes it

real hard to catch them.

But I think

that we all know

that life doesn't always turn

out exactly how you plan it.

Sometimes,

just sometimes,

it turns out better.

Dave, /think

there's a reason

that you're not wa/king

on the moon right now.

It's because you belong here,

in your life,

with that incredible woman

sitting beside you.

Can we please raise

our Kamikaze shots

to my two best friends,

please?

To Dave and Jamie.

ALL:
Dave and Jamie!

Happy anniversary.

ALL:
Happy anniversary!

How did I do?

You're such a poet.

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