Worst Friends Page #3

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I'm not a nurse.

You work with kids.

Not the same thing.

It's fine.

Listen, I wouldn't do this

unless I trust

that everything will be okay.

I mean, it's not like

I'm a shitty father, right?

You gotta kidding me.

[door closes]

Hello!

- What's going on, dummy?

- Who are you?

- Drop it. I talked to your dad.

- Who?

Eat sh*t, Jake.

I'm gonna go downstairs,

make a sandwich.

You want something?

Yes.

All right.

Is there a note or something

down there?

No.

Why would there be?

For the nurse.

My dad said he was gonna

get me a live-in nurse.

F*** you, Jake!

What?

If you call me that

while I'm here,

I'm gonna walk out,

and you're gonna sh*t yourself

and starve to death

in that bed.

What?

Did I stutter?

Don't call me that, Jake.

- It's turkey.

- Are you kidding?

Your dad left food money,

but that's the best I can do

with what's in the fridge.

Is this a joke?

It's the best I can do,

considering.

They're on an airplane, Jake.

[sighs]

You want anything to drink?

Don't try to move,

or I'll hobble you.

Hey!

I have to go to the bathroom!

Watch the door, a**hole.

This door isn't wide enough.

Why would my dad's

second-floor bathroom

be wheelchair accessible?

The default for any bathroom

should be that it be

wheelchair accessible.

Right! Why don't you go ahead

and pioneer that one, nurse?

Second-floor wheelchair

accessible bathrooms.

Great idea.

All right, whatever.

Look, Sam, come on!

I'm messing with you.

Come back.

Sam!

I'm shitting my pants!

- Easy.

- Yeah.

Okay.

[pats back]

Hey.

Can't sh*t through

my pants, buddy.

Move it on back.

[grunts]

Oh, come on.

Nothing you haven't seen before.

- [doorbell rings]

- Who is it?

I don't know yet.

I haven't opened the door.

Who is it?

Hey, I got a delivery here

for Jacob Kitner.

Yeah, I can sign for it.

- He's not Jacob Kitner!

- I'm not.

Are you a resident

of this house?

- He is not a resident!

- I'm not.

Is there someone who can

sign for this who is?

It ain't him!

He's Jacob Kitner.

He can sign for it.

[door closes]

I'm Jacob Kitner.

Sign here.

[whispering]

This guy, he kidnapped me.

He broke my arm and leg.

You gotta help me.

Did he also cast

and set your injuries?

Yeah.

He's a doctor.

You gotta help me.

Nothing changes, Jake.

Who the hell are you?

Daniel.

Daniel O'Connor.

We took trig together.

See you later, a**hole.

I never took trig!

Hey, sorry, dude.

I didn't recognize you.

That's cool, man.

The hat and shorts and sh*t

really throw people off.

Yeah, no doubt.

What are you doing here?

His dad paid me

to take care of him.

- How much?

- A grand.

That's not enough.

That kid's an a**hole.

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