Witness for the Prosecution

Silence. Be upstanding in court.

All persons who have

anything to do before my lords,

the queen's justices of oyer and terminer

and general jail delivery

for the jurisdiction

of the Central Criminal Court

draw near and give your attendance.

God save the queen.

What a beautiful day. I've been hoping

for a bit of sun for our homecoming.

It's worth having the fog just to appreciate

the sunshine. Is there a draught?

- Shall I roll up the window?

- Roll up your mouth. You talk too much.

If I'd known how much you talked

I'd never have come out of my coma.

- This thing weighs a ton.

- Now, now.

We've been flat on our back

for two months, we'd better be careful.

Lovely, lovely. It must be perfectly lovely

to live and work in the Inns of Court.

How lucky you lawyers are.

I almost married a lawyer.

I was in attendance for his appendectomy

and we became engaged

as soon as he could sit up.

And then peritonitis set in

and he went like that.

He certainly was a lucky lawyer.

Teeny-weeny steps, now. Remember

we had a teeny-weeny heart attack.

Oh, shut up!

Williams, my cane.

Here he comes!

Good afternoon. Thank you very much.

Everybody back to work.

Sir Wilfrid, if you don't mind, I'd like

to read you a poem to welcome you back.

Very touching. You can recite it

after office hours in your own time.

Now back to work.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I'm just happy

that you're your old self again.

Any more sentimentality around here,

I shall go back to the hospital!

They won't take him back.

He wasn't really discharged, you know,

he was expelled for conduct

unbecoming a cardiac patient.

Put these in water, blabbermouth!

Come on in, Carter.

Look at this room.

It's ugly, old and musty.

But I never knew

I could miss anything so much.

- Missed you too, you musty old buzzard.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

I'm not a religious man, but when they

carted you off, I went out and lit a candle.

- Why, thank you, Carter.

- Actually, sir, I was lighting it for myself.

If anything happened to you,

what would happen to me, after 37 years?

Yes, sir. This is 1952, that was in October

The chemist accused of putting

cyanide in his uncle's toothpaste.

My first murder trial.

I was more frightened than the defendant.

First time I rose to make an objection,

my wig fell off. Where's my wig?

Right here.

- I've guarded it with me life.

- I hope it still fits.

I lost 30lbs in that wretched hospital.

Still, I suppose my head isn't any smaller.

What's all this?

- We've put it in mothballs.

- Mothballs? Am I not to practise again?

Of course. The solicitors

have been breaking down our doors.

- I've got some interesting briefs for you.

- That's better.

Divorce case, a tax appeal,

and an important marine insurance claim.

- Nice smooth matters with excellent fees.

- No, Carter.

I'm sorry, but you're not to undertake

any criminal cases. Your doctors have...

Doctors! They've deprived me of alcohol,

tobacco, female companionship.

If only they'd let me do

something worthwhile!

Sorry, sir.

Might as well get a bigger box,

more mothballs, put me away too.

- 2.30, Sir Wilfrid. Time for our little nap!

- Oh, get out!

Beddy-bye. We'd better go upstairs now,

get undressed and lie down.

- We? What a nauseating prospect.

- Upstairs, please.

Are you aware that, while on my sickbed,

I seriously considered strangling you

with one of your own rubber tubes.

I would then have admitted the crime,

retained myself for the defence.

My lord, members of the jury, I hereby

enter a plea of justifiable homicide.

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)