
Wish I Was Here
1
When I was a kid,
my brother and I used to
pretend we were heroes with swords.
We were the only ones
who could save the day.
But perhaps we set
the bar a little bit high.
Maybe we're just regular people.
The ones who get saved.
Dad?
What's your password?
What?
I said, what's your password?
Dad!
I have no fucking idea!
Swear jar.
F*ck the swear jar.
- Aidan.
- I'm sorry, but f*ck the swear jar.
That word means sex. You're gonna
have sex with the swear jar?
Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.
The code's 1234. What are you doing?
The swear jar is full. Look at it.
The swear jar is all the money
we have to send you to college,
so you should be happy I curse.
I heard you, Dad.
Rabbi Perlman says that cursing
is for the simple-minded.
Well, Rabbi Perlman's
breath is so bad,
it makes God question why he even
bothered creating the universe.
Rabbi Perlman's
praying and God's like,
"Please stop, Perlman.
You're welcome.
"You're welcome!"
Well, if you can curse, then we all
can curse. Is that what you want?
- Fine.
- No!
Grace is not gonna curse.
Fuckhead.
Wow!
- Gracie!
- Whoa!
Mom, Dad said that the other day
when someone stole his parking spot.
I did say that, babe,
but he was a fuckhead.
He was in a yellow Hummer.
What, is he going to war on the sun?
Dad, we need this car.
We are not getting an Aston Martin.
But for the next minute only,
you can curse.
Then, hairy balls.
Okay. Come on, guys.
Up, up, up. Seat belts.
Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.
Oh, come on. What is
wrong with you, man?
Get it together.
I was thinking about
that Aston Martin.
It's time to start thinking
about the plight of the Jews.
- What does "plight" mean?
- I have no idea.
Ask the rabbis. That's what
we're paying them for.
Aidan, you have to talk
to your father today.
He still hasn't paid
this semester's tuition.
I hate talking to him about money.
When was it due?
Months ago.
Okay, and they're threatening
to kick the kids out of school
if they don't get a check
by the end of this week.
Maybe it's time we put
them in public school.
- No!
- Yay!
Oh, no, no, no, we're not
putting them in the public school.
I'll talk to him today, okay?
Avoid the rabbis if you see them.
I always do!
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, baby.
Bye!
Bye, sweetie.
You need help gearing
up back there, Yentl?
Don't call me Yentl.
You can call me Yentl.
I love that movie.
I know. I know.
The boys get to do all the
and I won't get to do anything
remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.
Sheitel? What's that again?
It's a modesty wig.
So, when I get married,
I'll shave my head
and wear a wig for
the rest of my life.
That way only my husband
will find me pretty.
No offense, but that's the weirdest
tradition I've ever heard of.
And it wouldn't even work on
you because you're so pretty
that you'd look even
prettier with a shaved head.
So, it would defeat
the whole purpose.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Hey, guys.
Tucker. Come here. Drill.
I knew it.
I told you. Drill stays at home.
Thank you.
Now go be Jewish.
Why? It's so boring.
I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.
Shalom.
I got it right here.
Oh, come on.
Sorry, just give me a second!
Shalom, Mr. Bloom.
Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.
Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky
would like to see you in his
office if you have a moment.
Oh, you know, today I can't.
Today, believe it or not,
a moment is something
I just don't have.
I'm gonna have to take a rain check.
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Citation
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"Wish I Was Here" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 17 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/wish_i_was_here_23547>.