Wish I Was Here

1

When I was a kid,

my brother and I used to

pretend we were heroes with swords.

We were the only ones

who could save the day.

But perhaps we set

the bar a little bit high.

Maybe we're just regular people.

The ones who get saved.

Dad?

What's your password?

What?

I said, what's your password?

Dad!

I have no fucking idea!

Swear jar.

F*ck the swear jar.

- Aidan.

- I'm sorry, but f*ck the swear jar.

That word means sex. You're gonna

have sex with the swear jar?

Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.

The code's 1234. What are you doing?

The swear jar is full. Look at it.

The swear jar is all the money

we have to send you to college,

so you should be happy I curse.

I heard you, Dad.

Rabbi Perlman says that cursing

is for the simple-minded.

Well, Rabbi Perlman's

breath is so bad,

it makes God question why he even

bothered creating the universe.

Rabbi Perlman's

praying and God's like,

"Please stop, Perlman.

You're welcome.

"You're welcome!"

Well, if you can curse, then we all

can curse. Is that what you want?

- Fine.

- No!

Grace is not gonna curse.

Fuckhead.

Wow!

- Gracie!

- Whoa!

Mom, Dad said that the other day

when someone stole his parking spot.

I did say that, babe,

but he was a fuckhead.

He was in a yellow Hummer.

Who drives a yellow Hummer?

What, is he going to war on the sun?

Dad, we need this car.

We are not getting an Aston Martin.

But for the next minute only,

you can curse.

Then, hairy balls.

Okay. Come on, guys.

Up, up, up. Seat belts.

Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.

Oh, come on. What is

wrong with you, man?

Get it together.

I was thinking about

that Aston Martin.

Stop thinking about that car.

It's time to start thinking

about the plight of the Jews.

- What does "plight" mean?

- I have no idea.

Ask the rabbis. That's what

we're paying them for.

Aidan, you have to talk

to your father today.

He still hasn't paid

this semester's tuition.

I hate talking to him about money.

When was it due?

Months ago.

Okay, and they're threatening

to kick the kids out of school

if they don't get a check

by the end of this week.

Maybe it's time we put

them in public school.

- No!

- Yay!

Oh, no, no, no, we're not

putting them in the public school.

I'll talk to him today, okay?

Avoid the rabbis if you see them.

I always do!

- Bye, Mom!

- Bye, baby.

Bye!

Bye, sweetie.

You need help gearing

up back there, Yentl?

Don't call me Yentl.

You can call me Yentl.

I love that movie.

I know. I know.

The boys get to do all the

cool things to honor HaShem,

and I won't get to do anything

remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.

Sheitel? What's that again?

It's a modesty wig.

So, when I get married,

I'll shave my head

and wear a wig for

the rest of my life.

That way only my husband

will find me pretty.

No offense, but that's the weirdest

tradition I've ever heard of.

And it wouldn't even work on

you because you're so pretty

that you'd look even

prettier with a shaved head.

So, it would defeat

the whole purpose.

- Bye, Dad.

- Bye.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, guys.

Tucker. Come here. Drill.

I knew it.

I told you. Drill stays at home.

Thank you.

Now go be Jewish.

Why? It's so boring.

I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.

Shalom.

I got it right here.

Oh, come on.

Sorry, just give me a second!

Shalom, Mr. Bloom.

Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.

Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky

would like to see you in his

office if you have a moment.

Oh, you know, today I can't.

Today, believe it or not,

a moment is something

I just don't have.

I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

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