Wilson

1

WILSON:
Remember

when we were kids?

Life was all there

in front of us,

waiting to happen.

(laughing)

You could be an astronaut

or the President,

whatever the hell you wanted.

Every day was an adventure,

and things were only going

to get better.

Then the years pass

and you start to see...

that it's all a big fairy tale.

Total bullshit.

(groans)

I'm no genius,

but I like to think I've figured

a few things out along the way.

For one thing, modern

civilization is a scam.

A sad, pointless charade

built on lies.

You have to have the courage

to go your own way.

Happiness is hard to come by.

Sure as hell

aren't gonna find it

in some stupid gadget.

There you are, tapping

on some little box...

while the real shit is happening

all around you, dumb-ass.

(affectionately)

I hate you so much.

Yes, I do, yeah.

I hate you.

Don't get me wrong,

I've got nothing

but love for

my fellow human beings.

I'm a people person all the way,

one hundred percent.

(GASPS) Look at you.

What a pretty dog!

Look at those ears.

What's your name?

What's your name?

(IN CHILD'S VOICE)

My name is Pepper.

And I'm five years old.

And this morning...

I was a bad, bad girl.

WILSON:
People get

really creeped out

when you talk

in the fake dog voice.

I believe that every one of

us has a story to tell...

and we're all part of

the human family.

How tragic we've lost

all sense of community.

A sense of camaraderie

with our friends and neighbors.

You mind if I sit here?

I don't think there's anyone

sitting at those tables.

But she likes the sunny spot.

Don'tcha? Don'tcha

like the sunny spot?

I'm actually right in the

middle of something, so...

Working man, eh?

Good deal.

Wife? Kids?

Hey, asshole!

I'm talking to you.

WILSON:
Nobody has actual

conversations anymore.

It's a real shame.

I mean, everybody's got

something valuable to offer

if you just take

the time to listen.

Nope. Sorry.

Saggy-balls motherf*cker!

(LAUGHING)

WILSON:
And if

you're lucky enough

to find a friend or two

in this world...

well, brother,

you've hit the jackpot.

So...

what did Wilson

think of our news?

I didn't tell him yet.

Oh, God, not another kid!

(LAUGHS) No, no.

It's just we were thinking

we might want to

move somewhere...

where we could actually

afford to buy a house.

Show him the pictures.

Where is this?

St. Louis.

Missouri?

(LAUGHING) Jesus Christ.

St. Louis?

It's actually

a pretty interesting town.

Oh, okay, that flies

in the face of everything

I've ever heard...

about St. Louis

in particular

and Missouri at large!

What the hell

do you know about it?

Look, I get it.

You don't want to have to be

the ones to cart poor old...

Wilson to the hospital

when he conks out.

Get out while the going's good.

Smart move!

Holy shit.

This has nothing to do

with you, Wilson.

Oh, that's nice!

Thanks for thinking of me!

I always knew

that she hated me...

but I always thought that

you were my best friend!

He's your only friend!

Jodie!

No, I'll be f*cked if I sit here

and let you give us

a guilt trip about this.

Why don't you

get off your lazy ass

and go find some

new f*cking friends?!

Jesus Christ!

WILSON:
Life can be

a difficult business.

We need to be thankful

for everything we have.

Caveman was happy

with the roof over his head...

a day's supply of food,

and a family to

share his burden.

Honey, I'm home!

What's for dinner?

Well, two out of three.

That's not so bad, I guess.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Of all the times to call!

Hello?

He what?

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