
Where to Invade Next
- R
- Year:
- 2015
- 120 min
- $2,515,838
- 1,498 Views
On January 2nd,
I was quietly summoned
to the Pentagon
to meet with
Each branch was represented--
the Army, the Air Force,
the Navy, and the Marines.
"Michael,"
they said to me,
"We don't know
what the f*ck we're doing."
Dressed up to win,
we're dressed up to win...
They hadn't won a war outright
since the big one, WWII.
We are just beginning
and we won't stop winning...
They went over
each of the wars that they had lost.
One...
after...
the other.
They regretted
having wasted trillions of dollars
and helping to create
new groups like ISIS.
They admitted that what they got
from these wars was just...
more war.
They couldn't even get us the oil
they promised us from Iraq.
They felt embarrassed,
humiliated.
Their hands were all placed
in a no-fly zone.
They asked me for my advice.
I thought for a moment
and then said the following.
"You must stand down."
I told them that our troops
needed a much-deserved break.
Finally a break.
Finally some downtime.
For the foreseeable future,
there are
to be no invasions,
no sending in
military advisors...
no more using drones
as wedding crashers.
Instead of sending in the Marines,
my suggestion?
Send in me.
I will invade countries
populated by Caucasians
with names I can
mostly pronounce,
take the things
we need from them,
and bring it all back home
to the United States of America.
For we have problems
no army could solve.
I believe
our government has a responsibility
to go to the aid of its citizens.
The life of a Vietnam vet
comes to a tragic end.
The man was found frozen
to death in his own home...
After Consumers Energy
turned his natural gas off.
I've made it clear
that we will hunt down terrorists
who threaten our country
wherever they are.
You will find no safe haven.
Our enemies
are innovative and resourceful,
and so are we.
They never stop thinking
about new ways
to harm our country
and our people
and neither do we.
This country will hunt down terrorists
and bring them to justice.
- On your face!
- No! Let me go!
The rule of law,
not the law of the jungle,
governs the conduct of nations.
Let her go! Let her go!
One of the things
Put your hand
behind your back.
- ...freedom.
- I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
We're disrupting their command
We're destroying their facilities
and infrastructure
that fund their operations.
We cannot save
all the world's children,
but we can save many of them.
Some school districts
are asking parents
to buy toilet paper
Our troops will have
the best possible support
in the entire world.
Banks illegally foreclosed
on nearly 5,000 service members
while they were fighting abroad.
We destroyed a threat
and locked a tyrant
in the prison of his own country.
I've been in prison almost 42 years
for something I didn't do.
I spent my 20s, my 30s, my 40s
and nearly all of my 50s
in prison.
Should the day come
when we Americans
remain silent in the face
of armed aggression...
A doctor in the middle
of the abortion debate
was gunned down in the church lobby
while serving as an usher.
...then the cause of freedom
will have been lost.
We will not hesitate
to use our military might
to defend our allies
and our way of life.
Hands up, don't shoot.
I hitched a ride
aboard the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan
and made my way
to my first target--
the country of Italy.
It was time...
to invade.
Have you ever noticed that Italians
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"Where to Invade Next" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 4 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/where_to_invade_next_23353>.