Welcome To The Rileys

Synopsis: Something's wrong at the Rileys. Married nearly 30 years, Doug and Lois rarely talk. She doesn't leave their Indianapolis home, and she's ordered a gravestone with their names and birth years on it. He has a long-time Thursday night mistress whom he invites to go with him to a plumbing supply conference in New Orleans. Once there, Doug calls Lois to say he's staying for a while. What's he leaving behind and what's he looking for in New Orleans? And Lois, can she break out?
Genre: Drama
Director(s): Jake Scott
Production: Samuel Goldwyn Films/Destination Films
  2 wins & 3 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
110 min


Hey, Riley, you in or you out?

What pickle-slicer joke?

Guy who works at a pickle factory

goes home and tells his wife he

got fired

cause he stuck his dick

in a pickle-slicer... that one.

His wife says Oh, my God, you

stuck your dick in a pickleslicer?

Are you all right?

And... he says something back and that's

the part I can't remember... the funny part.

She asks him if he's all right and

he says,

It's not so bad, they

fired her, too.

There you go. That's it.

Pretty dumb-ass joke.

How you do tonight?

Broke even...

give or take a grand.

Lost again, huh?

- Who says I've lost?

- "Broke even" means you lost.

- 'I did all right' means you won.

- Who said so?


I got you down...

Remind me never

to play poker with you.

Waste of money if you ask me.

Well, I never do ask you. But that

hasn't stopped you from telling me that

every Thursday night for the

last.. what?

Hey, Vivian!

Four years.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Four years?

Am I boring you?

No, ma'am.

Am I boring you?

Not yet.

Waffle Man.

I got this convention I got to go to

in New Orleans at the end of the month

why don't you come along?

- Don't do that.

- What.

- Be unpredictable.

- You'll have fun.

This is New Orleans.

Why not?

I mean it.

- I don't even have a suitcase.

- I'll buy you a suitcase.

How about you buy me

dinner at the "Kantarbari?

I like their spinach salad.

All you want for your birthday is a spinach salad..

When you can have a trip to New Orleans?

- I don't know, I just...

- Just...

Just think about it.


Maybe it is time for you

to go home.

- No. -Get some sleep.

- Ten more minutes.

All right.

How was your poker game?

Broke even just about.

Want me to turn out the light?


It doesn't bother me.

Good night.

Sweet dreams.

You too.

.. just talk to her about the things she wants to talk.

Don't ask about other things.. that's a big can of worms.

We're just gonna take the RV and

park it on heir backyard,

and wait for her to kick the bucket I guess.

Watch over and take care of her til then.

I'm sure going to miss you, Brenda.

Oh Lois, I'm gonna miss you too.

I got my grandkids up here.

I'll be back up here from time to time.

- Would you like some more coffee, Sharon?

- No, thank you, Mrs. Riley.

Call me Lois, honey.

Where is your bathroom?

Coffee goes right through me.

Right at the end of the hall.

You can't miss it.

You'll be in great hands with Sharon.

She's a real...

Walt's just tired of living in Indianapolis.

- You have a beautiful home.

- Thank you.

How old is your daughter?

Did you see Lois craft room?

She paints and does pastels and all that.

She's a real artist.

Hey! Hey, Doug!

Hey, um, can I talk to you outside for a sec?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Where is Vivian?

I tried to get a hold of you at your office,

but I didn't want to leave a

message with your secretary.

What message?

Doug, Vivian is dead.

It was a heart attack.

- You going to sit out here all night?

- Just smoking a cigarette.

I wish you wouldn't smoke in the house.

Well, I'm not in the house

I'm in the garage.

When you open the door all

the smoke comes inside.

Then close the door, Lois.

Vivian Danley

Emily Riley Our Precious Daughter 1986

- 2001


Douglas Lloyd Father 1957-

Lois Banning Mother 1959...

What are you doing home

so early?

That headstone

you got us at Gold Hill,

that is a unique experience

to see your name

carved on piece of granite.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'm not dead.

You're not dead.

There's enough people

out there who are dead.

They need headstones.

We don't because we're not dead.

A lot of people do this, Doug.

It's called pre-planning.


I don't like having my name

carved on a tombstone,

while I'm still alive.

I can't believe

you did that Lois.


- Kinda early, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah.

- Traffic, you know. It's gonna be a bear.

- Doug, let's go!

I just hate driving to the airport.

Do you mind picking up my mail

and newspaper while Doug is gone?

Why can't your neighbor

across the street do it?

- She moved.

- Well, what about your other neighbors?

- Just til Doug gets back.

- Okay.

Have to drive all the way over

here from Zionsville every day

here from Zionsville every day because my nutcase

sister can't walk down her own damn driveway.

Lois, somehow, someway, someday, you're

just going to have to walk out that door.

Give me a sweet..

So I sent every truck we owned down to the

construction site, paid off the night watchman,

and we went floor-by-floor and

pulled every one of our fixtures...

faucets, sinks, fire hose valves, drinking

fountains, sprinkler heads... you name it.

Damn lucky they didn't charge

you with breaking and entering.

I'm not gonna stand in the back of the line at

some bullshit bankruptcy hearing. Screw that.

Pay me or I'll repo your broke ass.

That's why it's thirty

days net with us.

Why go ninety days out with someone, I don't

need that kind of suspense?

Right, Doug?

No surprises, that's my motto.

I'm gonna hit the little boys room.

- How are you?

- How you doing?

Hey, Doug? Where are you going?

- How you doing tonight?

- I'm okay.

- How about you?

- Oh, I'm real good. - Good.

You want a private lap dance in a

VIP room?

- What? - Do you want a private

lap dance in the VIP room?

- No. Not right now. Thank you.

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Ken Hixon

Ken Hixon is a screenwriter whose films include Welcome to the Rileys, City by the Sea, Inventing the Abbotts, Incident at Deception Ridge, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, and Grandview, U.S.A.. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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