Weekend

(Door opens)

(Bicycle freewheel clicking)

(Water splashing)

(Phone buzzing)

(Dog barking)

(Music on earphones)

Hiya! You're always f***ing

late, you, aren't you?

- Sorry.

- Oh, it's good to see you.

And you.

- Come in.

- You look really good.

(Giggles) Get in!

- Is Jamie through there?

Yeah, they're in the living

room, they're all in there.

- Cathy, your oven's not working.

- Don't worry about it, it'll be all right.

(Men shouting) - All right?

All right?

- How you doing?

- Yeah, good.

- I made a bet you'd be on time tonight.

- Sorry.

- Hiya!

- Hiya.

I had a late shift at work.

- Well, you're here now. Beer?

- Yeah, cheers.

And something to

get you started.

- All right, Russ?

- All right, Johnny. How you doing?

This is Damien.

All right, mate?

- Get that down you, warm your cockles.

- Cheers.

- There you go.

- Thanks, buddy.

(Jamie laughs)

- Here we are! (Chatter)

There's no poppadoms,

I'm sorry, we're out.

What have we got?

Here, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!

Have you got a plate, Johnny?

Hold on.

- We haven't got enough plates.

- We haven't got enough plates.

- This is doing my head in.

- Take these off me.

(Chatter)

- Get lost.

(Woman) It's all right, we'll share.

- Cath, have you got another plate?

- Another plate? Have we not got enough?

No.

You need one, as well. Get two.

(Woman) You can eat from the

packet, you'll be fine.

(Cathy) I'll just have a small one.

- I'll have any one.

Actually, you should have the

small one cos you were late.

(Johnny) All right, this stag do,

right, I'm thinking, a few...

couple of beers, go out, you

know, sambucas, all that...

- strip club.

- Definitely.

No, you're not

having a stripper.

- No, no, no, you're not invited.

- You're not having a stripper!

You've got to have a stripper.

It's traditional, isn't it?

- It is traditional.

- Tradition.

(Helen) It's not

traditional, it's foul.

I'm not going to have a stripper.

I don't see why you should.

It's not foul. Get a classy one.

It's just natural - get a classy one!

(Cathy) Russ, you wouldn't

like a stripper, would you?

- I don't know, I don't...

- Yeah, he's all right with a stripper,

in't you, eh?

Right? So...

(Jamie) Russ starts a little fire, nice

and cosy in the middle of the field,

and before you know it these

fifth years come along

and they're just adding

wood and adding wood,

there's a big line of people just adding wood.

The fire is f***ing massive.

- The flames are higher than this house.

(Laughter)

Look, I'm not joking!

- And then we are... And then...

- It's true.

...any minute, we're

surrounded by police,

the whole perimeter

of the entire field

with those million-power

candle torches things.

(Laughter)

- And an Astra burns on, full beam,

and we all scarper, you're f***ing

left there stoned out your mind!

(Laughter)

You are coming on

Sunday, aren't you?

You're joking?

I don't think I can handle

it without you being there.

I can't wait, mate.

I've got Lois the

sweetest little present.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

That's nice. Well, of course you have -

that's why we made you the godfather.

- It's nice to see you, mate.

- Yeah.

You've been keeping a

low profile recently.

- Mmm.

- Anything to tell?

Er...

Yeah, there's...

there's a promotion at work.

- Ah, promotion.

- Been doing a few extra shifts.

Come on, let me in, let me in,

let me in, let me in, let me in!

- All right?

- All right, mate?

Here, give us that.

Eh? What do you reckon?

You look lovely.

(Laughs) You look lovely!

- No, you look nice.

(Jamie laughs)

- I look like, er...

(Jamie) Kavana!

- Kavana!

- QC?

- You're always such a muppet!

(Johnny) Give us the thing. Where is it?

(Women laughing in the background)

(Johnny) Got a lighter?

(Jamie) Yeah.

I've gotta go, I'm knackered.

Oh, I'm having a really good

night, let's keep it going.

Jamie, I've got to work in the

morning, and I'm a bit stoned,

- but I'll see you on Sunday.

- Yeah, all right, yeah.

It'll be fun. All right?

- Give my love to the little one.

- Yeah, OK, mate.

- All right, mate, see ya.

- Bye, mate.

(Girls chattering and whooping)

(Muffled music)

(Music pounding)

(Slow pop song playing)

- Morning. (Russell) All right?

- How you feeling?

- Pretty rough.

Gonna give me the coffee?

(Chuckles)

Thank you!

Ooh! Sh*t.

It's all right, don't

worry about it.

What time do you start work?

Er, 10 o'clock.

- Got a bit of time, then.

- Mmm.

Get back into bed.

- You were pretty wasted last night.

(Both chuckle)

- Sorry.

- Don't have to apologise.

Was I a dick?

I had to save you

from the Hobbit.

Don't be nasty.

He was all right.

- Bit camp. (Chuckles)

Nice smile though.

Is that what you go

for, a nice smile?

No.

Just little people.

What?

- Have I got morning breath?

- No, quite the contrary.

- Have you brushed your teeth?

- No.

- I can smell toothpaste.

- So?

Now you've broken an unwritten rule,

because now you smell all minty fresh

- and I smell of cock and bum!

(Laughs)

So, did you like the club?

- Did you like the club?

(Laughs)

Not really, no!

I hated it.

Right, you ready, then?

For what?

You can't get out of it

now, you promised me,

- and I've come for my pound of flesh.

- I thought you were joking.

Course not. Do you think I would

have slept with you otherwise?

- Well, I'm not doing it.

- Oh, yeah, you are!

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