Venus

IAN:
Shall we?

MAURICE:
We shall.

Oh, my God.

Now what have I got today?

Oh. Mmm.

You should try these.

You'II never wake up.

It's the waking up pills I'm Iooking for.

Anything blue, I recommend for that.

White ones give me more of a thrill.

Mmm.

-Cheers.

-There we are.

"Do not operate heavy machinery.

"Keep away from children."

Biblical advice.

WOMAN:
There you go, gentlemen.

-IAN:
Thank you.

-Excellent, my dear.

-Have you got my glasses?

-No, you've got them.

Why would I have them?

I'm not wearing them, am I?

Christ, I've Iost them now!.

That's the worst thing

that's ever happened...

They're in your right hand.

Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't Iast five minutes

without me.

I'm getting help.

-Professional?

-My niece's girl.

MAURICE:
Have you worked out

what the girl will actually do?

She'II shop and cook for me.

-A sort of nurse, then?

-No uniform.

Don't give yourself a coronary.

At the hospital they said

if I'm clear in five years, I'm safe.

I said,

"By then I'II be drinking with Jesus."

He's Iooking forward to meeting you.

He Ioved your Polonius.

But he found your Caesar a Iittle weak.

IAN:
Weak?

MAURICE:
A Iittle...

-What?

-...fruity.

IAN:
No, he f***ing didn't.

Did he? Fruity?

What the f***? Fruity!. F***ing fruit.

MAURICE:
I'm parched.

How about a drink?

This isn't a pub.

I've got to get her room ready.

Can I help?

God, no.

No, don't flap it about Iike that,

Maurice.

I'm getting wind rash.

-I'II tuck it in, you'II tire yourself.

-She'II suffocate in there.

There's no reason for her

to move around unnecessarily at night.

-Not unless she needs to attend to me.

-In what way?

I've bought a Iittle bell

to put beside my bed.

(BELL TINKLING)

If I feel unwell, I can tinkle it. See?

I bet she can't wait

to hear that Iittle tinkle.

I've bought her a pink towel, too.

So there's no confusion

in the bathroom.

No, you wouldn't want that.

No.

And in case she wants

something to read, I got her these.

MAURICE:
F***ing Edith Wharton.

IAN:
I really want to educate the girl,

Maurice.

Pass something on.

Yes, dear.

She Ioves music.

While we're eating, I thought we could

Iisten to the St. Matthew Passion.

Lovely.

No doubt it'II be tomato soup

and a temazepam for you.

No doubt.

Shall I get her to run a nice bath

and put my dressing-gown

on the radiator?

I hope she can do a rocket salad.

Or something interesting with fish.

DOCTOR:
Going anywhere

nice for the holidays?

(MAURICE MUMBLING)

-Where?

-Piranha fish.

Fantastic.

Right, Maurice,

deep breath for me now.

And, there we go.

(GROANING)

Easy but not necessarily nice.

Uncomfortable? That's quite normal.

Feel the same myself.

Everything all right otherwise?

Life treating you well?

-Jesus Christ.

-Good.

The prostate should feel Iike a peach

with a groove down the center.

Yours is a Iittle bumpy.

There might be a small nodule in there,

but it could easily be nothing.

So we need to send you to a specialist.

A Iot of older men have this problem.

It rarely kills them.

They die of something else first.

Right.

So you should worry a Iittle

but not a Iot.

Now then...

WOMAN 1 :
Not after Iast year.

I made that quite clear.

WOMAN 2:
Good on you.

WOMAN 1 :
In the end, there was

such a stream of... You know.

-Really?

-Yeah. Coming and going, and all that.

I felt Iike standing outside

and shouting,

"Another warm body for my friend."

-You should have done.

-Yeah, I know. Excuse me.

That's fine. AII done. Can you put

your finger on that, please?

WOMAN 1 :
Hello. How are we today?

Come on, old man!

(HUMMING)

IAN:
Thank Christ you're here.

MAURICE:
What's up?

Horrible, horrible, foul

and vile beyond belief.

What an upset.

Was the bath too cold

or the towel too hot?

-Was the fish overcooked?

-Fish? Fish? Fish?

I'd have been Iucky to get a fish finger

inserted into my rectum.

-Good God!

-God, Maurice.

What's gone wrong?

It's hardly been 24 hours,

already I'm screaming for euthanasia.

-Shouldn't you be getting ready?

-For what?

The theater.

Oh, God, yes.

Yes. Let's Ieave immediately.

I'II just change.

Let's hope it's a Iong play.

You've never said that before.

I'm Maurice.

Maurice.

You?

Can I?

You will find I usually

call around this time, for a Iittle drinkie.

I Iike whiskey with a whisker of water.

No more than a whisker, mind you.

That ruins it.

It's called "drowning."

Drowning.

Do you know how to mix drinks?

Once acquired,

it's a talent that will serve you for Iife.

Like typing.

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

So, what are you doing?

-In London, I mean.

-Looking for work.

-What sort of work?

-Work.

-You know, work.

-Yes, yes, I know all about it.

Any particular kind?

-Modeling.

-There can't be much call for that.

-Call for what?

-Yodeling.

Not yodeling! Yodeling?

Modeling! You know.

You know anyone

in the modeling field?

Yes. I know everyone.

Do you have a fallback position?

No.

-No, I don't need one.

-Right.

-Are you saying I do?

-No. I wouldn't say that.

-No.

-No? Good.

I'm thirsty now. Can I have a beer?

I told him to get me some in.

-What did he say?

-He said it were a slippery slope.

Oh!

(CLEARS THROAT)

MAURICE:
Ian?

MAURICE:
It won't be as good as

Celebrity Love Island,

but it will be live.

-Live?

-You might enjoy it.

-Can't we go and see Lion King?

-What a good idea.

WOMAN 1 :
Come on, you minger!

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