Vampires Suck

Synopsis: Frank Crane, sheriff of Washington's Spork town, welcomes back his daughter Becca. However obvious the signs, she takes forever to recognize its Halloween-like decoration hardly masks the omnipresence of bizarrely clumsy vampires and werewolves, even in the case of her devoted youth friend Jacob White, whose canine traits extend from a tail to the irresistible urge to chase cats. She falls in love with sickly pale Edward Sullen, member of the depressed, bloodthirsty adopted family of Dr. Carlton.
Genre: Comedy
Production: 20th Century Fox
  7 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
82 min

What would you do to save someone you love?

For Edward, I would stop at nothing.

What is he doing?

- Edward!!!

Edward? Where?

Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!

Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!

No, Jacob's the best!

[SPF 500 Sunscreen Lotion

Prevents vampire from bursting into flames.]

[True Blood 40]

He's exposing himself!



Let me start from the beginning.

I used to live with my mom in Phoenix.

Now she is always on the road, since she started doing some pro golfer.

So I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.

Population, 3120.

Holy Shit!

Make that 3119.

Anyway, I came here to live with my dad, Frank.

He's the chief of police.

I havent seen you in a while, your hair is longer.

I err, I grow it out.

I guess it's hard for me to accept my girls growing up.

I mean look at the size of those tits

- Dad!

[Bite Me Mix, I Hate Life Mix]

[Loathe Ya Mix, Teen Angst Mix]

[The Club:
Tonight Only. Vampire Weekend]

There's something strange about this town.

[Family Dentist. Brighter Bites. 1810]

Couldnt put my finger on it.

[Will work for blood]


I, used to stay here almost every winter, but it's been years.

I, I kept your room the same as since you left me.


- Remember your hamster, Herman?

Buddy must have missed a couple feedings

Do you still play with your doll?

- Uh, I dont think so.

What's that?

It's been lonely since your mom left.

Well, come downstairs. Some people are excited to see you.

Who wants a batsy? Good girl~

Dad, I'm a teenager.

- Right

I guess I better watch out some of the steps then.

Frank didnt get me, I was'nt his little girl anymore.

Hey, you remember Bobby right?

- Yeah. You're looking good.

Good? I'm in a wheelchair, I can not feel anything below my waist.

You know what's below the waist? My penis.

-I'm s-sorry.

- We're all glad you're here.

Especially your dad. He wouldnt shut up about ya.

Careful there Bob, or I got to roll you down the hill.

Oh boy, I'm not scared. Bring it on.


Oh here we go. We're going somewhere.

Oh oh

-Err hi, I'm Jacob.

- Hi

We err, we used to play together. Play doctor?

Oh, right right. I, I remember now. I gave you a prostate exam.

So, are we gonna be at the same school?

- Oh I go to school on reservation.

It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.

Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.

It would be nice to know 1 person.

Got your welcome home present. What do you think?

Erm, to think that you're trying to buy my affection

with that piece of shit truck

to make up for all the years in which

you have neglected me as a father...

Told you she'd like it.

It's cool.

-I fixed the engine myself.

Thanks, Jacob.

-Go ahead, hop in.

Okay, see you got to pump the gas to start her up. Damn fleas!

Jacob, your.. foot ?

It's all this puberty, I've been feeling... different.

Excuse me, I gotta take a leak

It guess, my body is just going through some changes.


[High School Sporksa, Home of the Bloodsuckers]

[Sad Misunderstood New Student With Crappy Old Truck Parking Only]

The first day of school, in the middle of the year being the new kid has never been easy!

Nice clothes, still shopping in the boys section

Give her a break, that's what i used to wear when i was still a virgin.

Where'd you get that haircut, Fantastic Lesbian?

[Kick me!]

Hey, new kid!

Hi, I'm Derek. . - Rebecca.

I'm the eyes and ears of this place. I can hook you up with whatever you need.

Cheat sheet, adult porno, harvested organ?

Er no, thanks.

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