Vampire in Brooklyn

A long, long time ago,

Nosferatu, the undead,

the race of the vampire,

were driven from Egypt.

Most fled to the mountains

of Transylvania

but others of better taste,

including myself,

travelled south through Africa

and over the Atlantic

to a beautiful island

in the Bermuda Triangle.

There we lived for happy centuries

feasting on the blood of travellers,

until discovered by the hunters

once again.

Then, the blood that spilled

was our own.

l alone escaped but a vampire alone

is a vampire doomed.

My only chance was to find

the one known offspring of our tribe

that had been born

in a foreign land -

a woman somewhere in this place

called Brooklyn.

Family Feud brings you the world's

first War Of The Showgirls!

Atlantic City versus Las Vegas.

Here's my show! Come on, baby,

you make me excited.

Name something a playboy

might have made out of silk.

Sheets!

- She ain't gonna get it.

- Put me down for ten on the Knicks.

You betting on the Knicks?

When will you learn?

Call me! l'm gonna take you for

an eight-piece special with biscuit!

Sheets, baby. Sheets!

You make me excited.

Come on down.

S-H-E-E-T. Sheets!

- That's what l'm talking about!

- Oh, sh*t.

- The b*tch said it!

- Let me see...sheets!

Earthquake! Earthquake!

This ain't no earthquake,

this is New York, fool!

What was that?

- Oh, sh*t!

- What the f*** is going on?

What the hell happened?

ls this how people come,

disrespecting your sh*t, man?

Ain't that a b*tch? What...?

lt's a bird!

Get the hell away from me! Good God,

what the hell's happening here?

Damn. Look at this ugly thing.

Who the hell's piloting this vessel,

Stevie f***ing Wonder?!

Must be a DUl.

l don't see no lights.

l don't see no people, either.

Damn, look at the time!

l gotta bounce, Unc,

l'm supposed to be at my lady's crib.

- Julius, bring your ass back here!

- l don't know about this!

l run numbers,

you check out spooky-ass ships!

- Go ahead with your bad self.

- Chump!

l'm not supposed to be scared, huh?

Ahoy there! Hello!

Ahoy, motherf***er!

Son of a b*tch.

Oh, y'all the silent type?

Well, somebody's

gonna buy me a new TV!

Ahoy there! You in there, somebody?

ls this a joke?

Ahoy!

Arrogant motherfuckers in here

don't wanna say nothin'. Sh*t.

l'm too old for this sh*t. Ahoy!

Hello.

Help me! Help me!

Oh, help, somebody! Help me!

Help me, please.

That sure as hell wasn't Lassie.

Big motherf***er!

Jesus, Mary and Jo-Jo.

Jesus, Mary and Jo-Jo!

Get the hell outta here!

Don't be bringing

your nappy black ass back here!

- My Adidas! Damn, what'd l do?

- You was snorin'!

- Everybody snores!

- Not while they f***in'!

- Piece of trash!

- Eva, come back! l was restin'!

Rest this!

You'll be beggin' me back tomorrow.

That's all right.

- That's Julius. He owes you money?

- l see him.

Oh, sh*t. Pizza Man.

- Comin' through!

- l'll get you!

You better run! l'm coming after you!

Run, baby. Run!

l'm comin' after you, baby!

Yeah! l want you!

Hey, get off my hood, man!

- Mind if l borrow your hat?

- Go ahead.

Thank you.

Come on. Hey, man.

Ain't as fast as you used to be,

huh, Julius?

- Tony, l didn't know it was you.

- Are you mental?

How many times have l gotta tell you?

l'm Anthony. He's Tony.

Oh, yeah, that's Tony. Right.

You know. All you gumbas

look alike to me.

- You got our money?

- Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t. l had it a minute ago.

- Then you're a minute too late.

You don't have to do that to me.

- Who'll take care of my kids?

- You don't have any kids.

l'll start.

Don't worry about it, Julius.

Nobody's gonna miss you.

Do it.

l wouldn't do that.

You might miss the heart.

You aim between the eyes,

that way you get a nice, even spray.

- What the hell?

- Who the f*** are you?

l'm Maximillian, a connoisseur

of death, you might say.

No one takes pride in the art,

it's so rare you come across

a clean kill nowadays.

You got two seconds to beat it

or you're gonna share a coffin

with Carl Lewis.

- l already have a coffin of my own.

- Come on.

- He's no fun. He fell right over.

- Some f***in' wackos in this town.

Let's get back to you, Julius.

l guess you're

out of bullets, huh, man?

No, l kept one special just for you.

lnteresting.

l've been stabbed

and l've been hanged

and l've been burned,

even broken on the rack once,

but l've never been shot before.

lt kind of itches a little.

You have quite decent aim, though.

But next time...

put a little heart into it.

Oh, sh*t!

Don't go away.

He's gonna get it with the gun!

No, don't!

Holy sh*t!

He ain't gonna get me!

l've seen it all. l'm getting my ass

the hell out of Brooklyn.

l'm going to the islands,

somewhere peaceful.

Coney lsland.

Ryker's lsland. Devil's lsland.

- Let me light that for you.

- Oh, sh*t!

Hey, yo, l don't know

how you know me but...

everything is everything,

l ain't seen nothing.

So you jump back

through the window

cos l ain't really seen you,

l'm blind!

l got cataracts, l mean contacts.

l got astigmatism, man. l'm blind.

Where you at? See? Where you at?

l saw you at the docks.

You're a liar, a thief and a cheat.

No, that's my brother Miles.

l'm honest.

Well, that's unfortunate because

that's what l liked about you.

Hey, easy, bro. You ain't got to

pull that Blacula sh*t with me.

lf you're hungry, l'll run you down

the KFC and get you a two-piece.

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